


They called me Jane Doe

by Deandeanmoose



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Anonymity, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt, Gang Rape, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:15:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24371902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deandeanmoose/pseuds/Deandeanmoose
Summary: During the worse year of Bexley Donavon's life, she meets the best thing to ever happen to her. She tells it all for you.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 45





	1. Starting from the beginning

I sat down staring at the camera set up in front of me. My hands fidgeting, rubbing my thigh as nerves build up fast. No matter how many years pass by, this story still hurts to tell. I never told it out loud before in full, only parts. Watching my husband off to the side, a small tinge of worry melted but it didn't numb all my nerves. The director started to go over his last check when Raf came over, pulling me into a hug after kneeling down to me.

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yeah, I think it's time I close this once and for all." I breathed in his musky scent, "I have to do this."

"Ok, if this is what you want." he pulled back, "I'll watch from the side. If you need me, say the word."

I nodded as he walked back and the director sat behind and out of view of the camera to lead this story through. He gave a cue and the camera was rolling as he tried to loosen me up.

"Ok, we are recording. Just start with who you are and we'll lead into the details of your story."

"My name is Bexley Donavon, better known as the Manhattan Jane Doe." I felt the soft shake and saw Raf jump to help me but I raised my hand and looked straight into the camera, "My name is Bexley Donavon, better known as the Manhattan Jane Doe."

I could see the camera crew reaction to the statement, it felt great to say those words out loud. _**This just might be the best thing for me... This could finally heal my wounds.**_

* * *

**_April 6th, 2013_ **

**_Central Park_ **

**_Manhattan, New York_ **

* * *

It was a beautiful day, sunny but cool without a cloud in the sky. I was a mere twenty-three out and about in the city with friends. After finishing some shopping and lunch, we decided to walk the park before going back to my place. Wilma, my twin from another mother, was trying to get me to join her and other friends at a club.

"Act your age for one night!" she shouted, "It'll be fun. Just let loose."

"I do not like casual sex and dancing like a stripper in a tight space in a hot room." I nudged her.

"Live a little. Join us." She made a face.

"Will, girl, I love you. Tonight will not be party night though." I stopped by the pond, "I would rather stay in. My niece and nephew are supposed to be coming this weekend and I want to straighten up my place."

"Booooooo." She rolled her eyes, "Ok, walk me home then. I'll call you up tomorrow."

We walked to her place and I cut through the park to get home, only stopping by a bodega for a drink since the building water was out. With a water in hand and bags of clothes and groceries, I went right towards the counter. It was getting dark out, lights turning on as I tried to push on quicker. Walking home alone always scared me. I made it up and paid, trying to rush out when a hand caught my upper arm.

"Hey, pretty lady."

"Sorry, busy." I tried to move on but a man stepped in front of me.

"Nah, you're stressed. We can help." 

"No, thank you." I swallowed hard as I could feel more guys coming over.

"Let me help you with those." A man pulled the bags and I pulled back before the guy in front of me pulled me towards him and the bags fell down. 

Fear suddenly struck a thousand times more as five men surrounded me and a few people walking by outside the now locked door watched like it was normal. A few eyes landed on me from around the shop, all men. I was a lone woman, sticking out worse than a sore thumb. This didn't feel like a mugging, when I was mugged before they grabbed and ran. This was not that. The danger of the situation hit when a man brushed my hair back. 

"Give me my bags." I turned towards the one with my bags.

"Miralo perra. (Watch it, bitch.)" One Latino stepped up, his chest almost touching mine, "Enfriarlo ahora. (Cool it down now.)"

"Leave me alone." I backed into a tall white guy and jumped, unable to hold my bodily reaction, "I want to go!"

"Look here, we don't like uppity Bitches here." Another traced the neckline of the dress I was wearing, a simple sundress my mom had bought me I only wore because it was hot out.

"I didn't..." My words fell as the man behind me shoved me forward and the guy dragged me towards the back.

I swung only for my arms to be grabbed and feet lifted before I could kick. They carried me back, pinning me down on this open counter by the cold coffee they called fresh. Five men surround pinning me down as a handful watched from around the store. I screamed out for help before one shoved cheap napkins in my mouth, drying out my whole mouth and making me realize exactly what was happening.

"Shut up." One hissed as he grabbed the neckline and ripped it open.

The sound of fabric shedding, ripping apart with massive force as my bra was exposed and dress skirt being tugged. It started ripping at the seams at my waist as I struggled even more. A man on each arm and leg held me down against the counter, the edges digging my skin. I tried to scream as the man grabbed my cheeks and pressed, forcing me to refocus on this pain as he grabbed my bra and yanked it down causing friction and small fabric burns on my chest.

"Look at this little slut. She looks good." He squeezed my chest as more guys moved in to watch better, "Should've gone to another shop bitch." He pushed the skirt up and ripped my panties, my eyes blowing in this primal fear as they struggle to control me. 

"Chill out!" 

"We'll be nice." 

My body jumped then on hand grabbed my throat and shoved down to put me against the counter. Struggling for air, the hand moved but something else started towards my lower half. I felt the skin against my legs as the guys cheered and my tears poured.

"Would you look at that, so tight and neat." A finger pushed in and I tried to pull away only for a hand to smack my face, "Oh yeah, tight like a virgin." 

My vision blurred out through the salty water leaving my body. When he pushed in, my body went numb unable to fight anymore. He slapped in several times, shoving in till he had nothing more to get any deeper. I could feel every inch ripping and bruising my inside drier than the desert. When I thought my body had no more to give, a few croaky cries came before one sat on my chest and pulled out the napkins. I was frozen, unable to move further and fight this mess but to cry. The men cheered and shoved me down more to make sure I don't move before letting go as my mind went fuzzy. With one in my mouth forcing it wider and deeper down my abused throat, the other groaned and pulled out for but seconds before the cheering picked up and another pushed in. The first man wiped off on my dress and walked around to my face, forcing my eyes open by holding mt eyelids to see two of the men raping me.

"Look at the whore."

"Such a slut."

"Tear her a new one."

As one man finished, another stepped up. The five men taking turns in any way they want. He pulled out of my mouth, and one flipped me over. I tried to scream but it was croaking and dry. Forcing out what I could, I begged them to stop. Begging them to let me go. Begging to end this. I wasted my breath as they continued, they shoved my face to the counter, hitting hard enough to bleed from my forehead. One smacked my face, bruising it in the shape of his hand. More cheers rang out from the men watching. Time was nothing at that moment, a wishful thought that maybe it would somehow bring attention to this horror... And I was wrong. When I could barely move, they let go and moved away, one shoving me down to the ground. I hit the tile with a thud, feeling blood trickle and my body struggle to move. They laughed more before the men just moved on like I was nothing, leaving me to hold my dress and run out the back door to the alley.

 _ **Help... Help me... Please.**_ My feet pushed on as I got close and pressed on the bar to get it open. Putting my weight into it, I leaned on it silently begging to get out of this hell. My eyes glancing at the clock to the left as the door unlatched and swung open... Two hours. Two hours in there. I pushed the door open, leaving my purse and bags behind as I escaped this hell. My feet bleeding as they smacked into the hard concrete and asphalt, picking up bits of trash and debris on the ground of the alley. Running as fast as I could, holding my dress in place the best I could, I heard a car coming and dove in front of it. I hit my knees with more blood spilling from the scraps, forcing myself to stand as the brakes hit hard with screeching and lights blinded me. _**Kill me. Just kill me. Please.**_ I sobbed hard, blurring my vision as I collapsed to my knees with a man screaming at me.

"What the hell bitch! are you trying to get killed?!"

I was shaking as the figure approached me, unseen except the male shape given by the blinding lights behind him. He reached for my arm and I pushed away, screaming through all water in my body leaving me. A second yell cut in, also male but not in the same tone.

"What the hell is your problem?! Can't you see she is hurt?!" The man snapped and spouted off a fast Spanish I couldn't come close to understanding.

"Mr. Barba, she ran in fro..."

"She is hurt!" He cut him off before I suddenly felt someone close to me.

My body arched like a cat in fear, I tugged back as a finger grazed my bruised arm. It was still a moment, I felt like a wild beast being found by two hunters, but for some reason, this hunter wasn't hurting me while I was down. 

"Shhhhh. It's ok, it's ok. I won't hurt you."

"They... They... Men..." I stuttered and started to hyperventilate.

"Shhh... Ok, ok. I won't hurt you. No one will hurt you while I am here." Instead of trying to touch me, the hand stopped barely in view, "What happened?"

"I...I... They... R-r-r-r-ra..." I broke down sobbing as the man tossed something over my shoulders and pulled me up.

"Change of plans, hospital now." He called out and guided me to the back seat, "Let me help you."

I went numb, curling into a ball as I tugged the soft material around me close. The man hadn't sat beside me, no the seat was empty except me. The door shut and another opened, yet I felt trapped and had that feeling of walls closing in. I gasped as the man spoke through my noise.

"Breath, breath... we are here to help you." His voice was soothing, soft but firm in a way, "Can you tell me your name? Are you hurt?"

I felt the blood trickle ever lightly down my legs and saw smears on my hands as I tried to curl up. Eyes were on me, I felt them staring... Studying. In complete shutdown, I barely breathed just curled up tightly and shook.

"Faster! Come on now!" The scary man yelled and hit the horn as the other softly held my knee on a tight turn that would have sent me rolling to the other door with a hard thud. 

"Easy now. Don't hurt her more." The man spoke, not yelled. It was odd, somehow this made me loosen up.

Time was creeping by but eventually, I heard a door. Hands reached in to pull me and I screamed, feet flailing and hands smack them away. I don't know why, I couldn't control any of it. My body fought any touch as women's voices came through.

"Honey let us help you."

"You are at Mercy Hospital."

"You are bleeding, let us help."

I tucked into the door, then a click sent me falling backward into arms. My body went into defense, nails digging into the firm arms holding and dragging me to a stretcher. Before they dropped me on it, I screamed and felt the cold air pimple my brutalized skin. 

"I think she was raped."

"We definitely have vaginal trauma." a woman replied.

"I want a full rape kit on her."

"After we fix the bleeding." Another started to push me in as they forced the straps over me, "We need to sedate!"

Next thing I know, a pinch in my neck had my vision blacking out as I felt just as helpless as in the store. I slipped under into nothing, gasping as it all faded out. _**Why me? Why me?**_

* * *

_**Present** _

* * *

I started to shake, my eyes watered and suddenly two hands cupped my shoulder and cheek. Then that same voice from the cab that soothed my living nightmare for mere seconds came through. My dear husband, Raf.

"Bex, breathe. You aren't there. You are safe." He pressed lips to my forehead, "Respiración. (Breath.)"

My eyes flickered before I saw him, he was there holding me. Two strong arms around me, protecting me. Lips soft but firm on my forehead... He was literally the only strength I had left in my body as if I was back in that alley charging towards death.

"Bex, I'm not leaving you... Mírame. (Look at me.)"

I glanced up, seeing those green eyes that saved me. He turned and called a break, the director not happy but giving it. He kissed my head and slowly stood up and pulled me up, gaining my focus.

"We stop when you say so. We don't have to do this."

"I want to... I need to." 

He sighed but nodded to the director, "She needs a break. Put me on and give her a breather before continuing... It doesn't get easier from here."

He nodded and Raf switched me my seat and the one by the snack table. I smiled at the plate he made and left for me when this happened... My safety was food and he indulged it once in a while.

* * *

_**Rafael** _

* * *

I took her seat and fixed the mic on me, looking to the director. He leads Bex on where to start and coached out a few detail areas she got shaky on and almost broke down on. It was simple, much like how his college professor spoke of addressing the public on cases. _**Speak clearly, be strong in tone to leave little debate on the facts given but soft enough as if speaking to a friend. Don't show fear when you get up there... Stay clear and precise in delivery... Oh, and one of my own self-taught lessons, look at the camera.**_

"Ok, let's start from the top with the car ride." He directed, "Look at the camera and don't be scared of emotion."

 _ **Or maybe do... I don't need them spinning me as a blubbering mess.**_ I took a deep breath and nodded, noticing my seat had been perfectly placed by the camera thanks to the food table. The whole time Bex was here, she saw me as she looked at the camera. _**Accidental best husband moment here.**_ I nodded and was prepared to tell all.

* * *

**_April 6th, 2013_ **

**_Central Park_ **

**_Manhattan, New York_**

* * *

I was in the Towncar, relaxed and easy. Work was done for the day and I was finally going home before midnight. It was early evening, plenty of time to do something if I wanted, unfortunately, I didn't. I never did. After everything I saw at work, I didn't want a home life.

"Hello, Mr. Barba."

"Hello. Home please." I sighed as he started driving, "Can you go by the park?"

"There is heavy traffic that way." He glanced back at me.

"No rush. I have no real plans."

He nodded to me and started on the way. Usually, I didn't mind the route home, it wasn't as if it mattered. The fastest route, scenic route... It all worked. But sometimes, on rare occasions, I liked going by central park and seeing the people walking. Tonight, I decided to see what having a life might look like. It was calm, easy-going till a bit of traffic hit. 

"Mr. Barba, it is fairly backed up."

"Ok, reroute. It was a good try." I leaned back and closed my eyes before looking to see each light flash by. 

It was calming, not what I wanted but still calming. He turned and moved over a street, taking an alley to slide by. It got faster, easier to drive along. We made it a few blocks and then the brakes hit hard and I went sliding into the seat in front of me.

"What the hell!" I heard a door open and crying in the distance.

 _**Don't tell me he hit someone.**_ I looked up and shoved the door open as I heard him open the door and start yelling.

"What the hell bitch! are you trying to get killed?!"

He was in front of the car and I heard crying, spurring me to get out and stop this. As I rounded the car, There was a puddle of a woman there. Bloody, bruised, crying, heaving... She looked like pure hell. The driver reached for her and she pushed away, falling back a lot hard and begging for help through tears. He went to try again in this odd realization of panic, so I stepped in.

"What the hell is your problem?! Can't you see she is hurt?!" I snapped as he stepped back, "Idiota, deja de intentar tocar a la pobre. Estaba claramente herida e inmediatamente tratas de agarrarla, ya que está temblando y apenas se mantiene unida. (You idiot, stop trying to touch the poor thing. She was clearly hurt and you immediately try to grab her as she is shaking and barely held together.)"

My native tongue slipped, the driver clearly not knowing Spanish made me feel slightly better about it.

"Mr. Barba, she ran in fro..."

"She is hurt!" I cut him off before slowly coming over to her making sure she wasn't too affected by my presence.

Her body arched, tugging back sharply as I froze my movement from reaching to graze her arm. She was shaking, dry crying as the fabric ripped more with her small movements. I squatted down, hitting her eye level and reaching a hand out as a gesture of kindness, much like how you would a cat or dog for them not to panic. 

"Shhhhh. It's ok, it's ok. I won't hurt you."

"They... They... Men..." She stuttered and started to hyperventilate.

"Shhh... Ok, ok. I won't hurt you. No one will hurt you while I am here." Instead of trying to touch her, my hand stopped barely in her view, "What happened?"

"I...I... They... R-r-r-r-ra..." She broke down sobbing as I pulled off my coat and tossed it over her shoulders and felt her hand slip into mine so I could pull her up.

"Change of plans, hospital now." I looked at her but spoke to the driver and guided her to the back seat, "Let me help you."

She curled into a ball as she tugged the coat around her. I couldn't sit close to her, couldn't risk her panicking. I decided to shut the door and moved to the passenger seat as the driver glanced over. He didn't speak but started driving as I glared and heard the woman gasping for breath at times.

"Breath, breath... we are here to help you." I was trying to calm her, using the tone I always related to the victims in court, soft and smooth with a little firmness to make sure they listened, "Can you tell me your name? Are you hurt?"

I looked her over, hand-shaped bruising on her face. Blood from knees cracked open, in lines running down her thighs... Her hair was in knots and frizzed out as she still shook lightly. _**What happened to her?**_

"Faster! Come on now!" The driver slammed on the horn and took a tight turn.

Watching her slide, I caught her knee to keep her from hitting the seats or floor, "Easy now. Don't hurt her more." 

As we pulled up by the emergency room, I jumped out and the driver opened her door. To yell at him now would be useless, so I ran around softly as he offered a hand to her and caused her more panic. She screamed, smacking him away and pushing to the far side as a few nurses ran out.

"I believe she was raped, badly injured." I said softly not to spur her further.

"Ok." One nodded and came into her view, "Honey let us help you."

"You are at Mercy Hospital."

"You are bleeding, let us help."

She tucked into the door, Seeing the male nurse moving around to open the door. I closed my eyes but couldn't stop looking, a click and tug of the door sent her falling backward into his arms. she started to fight, to almost clawing at the man as the girls helped to put her on a stretcher and strap her down. She was in full panic and I needed to say it again so they didn't hurt her worse, or more like she hurt herself worse.

"I think she was raped." I saw nods of acknowledgment.

"We definitely have vaginal trauma." a woman replied.

"I want a full rape kit on her." I pushed in with them.

"After we fix the bleeding." Another started to push her in as they forced the straps over her when she clawed at it, "We need to sedate!"

Next thing I know, she was out cold on the stretcher as the fighting stopped. A small gasp then a bag was on her to force in a little air before removed. I was stopped at the desk as she went to surgery, a nurse stepping in.

"Are you the husband?"

"No, bystander. We found her." I looked at the nurse.

"Any ID or do you know her?"

"No." I pulled my phone, "I'm calling Manhattan SVU."

"Sir the hospital is alerting police..."

"I'm an ADA. I want SVU here not just police." I hit Liv's name, "This isn't just a simple rape case."


	2. You

* * *

_**Bexley** _

_**Present** _

* * *

"Ok, let's pick up from the hospital." The director nodded, "What is the first thing you remember after coming to the hospital?"

"Well, so much happened at once. It was chaos."

I looked up and saw Raf in the chair. He watched me with a soft smile giving a nod, a gentle push to help me feel more confident in this decision. I wanted this interview, I wanted to tell my story... now I have to push through it.

"Ok, when you're ready." He nodded and I started in.

* * *

_**April 7, 2013** _

_**Mercy hospital** _

_**Manhattan, New York** _

* * *

My eyes opened softly just to shut immediately due to the lights above me. It was bright and hot, making me flinch in struggled to realize my hands were strapped down. Panic kicked in, my heart racing as I hear a steady alarming beep. The door flew open and a few nurses ran in to calm me down.

"You're in Mercy hospital. You are ok."

"Just breathe, nice and easy now." 

I sucked in a sharp breath as a male voice stepped in, "Can we undo the restraints? They are not needed now."

A girl pulled them off as they did a few tests before leaving remarking I was healthy. The man stepped in with a dark-haired lady and a younger guy, my body started to cringe. They took note of this, the young man standing back by the door before a nod sent him out the door. I flinched on instinct, catching myself before it got to far.

"Are you feeling ok?" The lady asked before moving in for a chair.

"Yes... But... Why am I here?"

She glanced to the familiar man, the one my body wasn't physically repulsing from, "You ran out in front of a car beaten and bloody... A rape kit sho..."

"I was raped?" I pulled the sheets up and winced as flashbacks hit me quickly.

"You were. I brought you here." 

_**I brought you here?... He was the car guy. Not driver, no he was... He was mean. This guy was the nice one.**_ I relaxed a little as he stayed back, the two look between each other as I found words.

"You were in the car. You gave me your coat."

"Yes." He nods.

"After the bodega..." I twitched and held my lower stomach softly.

They looked to each other and he stepped a little closer, "My name Is Rafael Barba. I am an ADA for Manhattan sex crimes. This is my friend and colleague, Sargent Olivia Benson... Acting commander of SVU."

"Lucky me, Saved by the right person." I whispered.

"I'm sorry but we didn't get a name or anything for you. You were found in a ripped dress."

"Bexley Donavon."

"Do you have any family you want us to call for you?"

I blinked and nodded, "yeah, yeah... I don't remember my mom's number she just changed it but, my sister... Alice." I spouted off the number and the lady passed it to the male detective outside.

"We need you to tell us what happened." She gave a small smile, "Anything you remember."

"Ok... I stopped for a water at this bodega. My building was having water issues. I was paying for it when..." I flinched, "They took my bags and purse, locked the door... They carried me to coffee counter and pinned me down. Five guys... More watched and cheered."

"Cheered?" 

"Yes." I closed my eyes, "I can still hear it."

They asked more questions and I tried to answer everything. Parts skipped, my head misplaced them and jumbled up what I knew with what I thought... It was hell, my body taking a toll with each question. They ended the interview and started to walk out when my heart twisted. I reached out, lips parting with words that sound foreign on my ears.

"Please don't go."

They stopped at the door and the man stepped back over by the bed, "Me?"

"Please."

He looked and nodded her to go on, coming over by the bed. The closer he got, the better I felt. It almost felt like a safety net, him being there to catch when I fall again.

"Stay with me till someone gets here."

"Of course." He took the chair and moved it by the bed, "Bexley was it?"

"Bex, please." I watched him adjust in this stifling uncomfortable room. 

The awkward situation growing heavier by the moment. His body reflected my own, unsure how to proceed. I curled my legs in, holding them gently as he watched before looking away.

"Sorry, I don't usually..."

"Sit with victims." I finished, "I shouldn't have asked you to stay."

He looked to me, something deep and sincere in his voice. His eyes a piercing green that stole all the attention from his style and physique. Hair treated well but a little disheveled from how I imagined he wore it. His hands were in his lap, one inside the other but still as he looked at me for saying that.

"I'm glad you did. Nadie merece estar solo después de algo así. (No one deserves to be alone after something like that.)"

As if the world went silent, we talked through looks. His lips curling as he looked at me. My eyes danced over everything of him as my mind battled with the idea of even looking at him. _**I hear a male voice and I feel sick but this, this man is calming in the horror replay.**_ Silence wasn't hated, I didn't mind it one bit as we waited. His hand shifted in his palm and I jumped, I physically jumped at a motion far from me. By the time my mom and sister arrived, I felt that fear hit again. It picked up with the more distance between me and Mr. Barba. It started with my mom trying to hug me, making me react and struggle to get distance.

"No!" I covered my face and the darkness brought back flashes of the bodega.

I scrambled back and curled up, shaking hard as I heard him speak.

"Mrs. Donavon, your daughter experienced a major trauma. She may not be willing to accept any kind of touch or anything like that." He cleared his throat, "If she keeps panicking, the doctors might have to intervene again."

 _ **Intervene? Did they sedate me? I was strapped down... Did I attack one of them? What is wrong with me? Why did I allow this?**_ My breath quivered as my sister took his empty chair, she was in tears and the sound was cracking the wall again and threatening flashbacks. 

"What happened to her?" She asked as a doctor stepped in and explained I had PTSD. 

He talked to them and me through everything as I could feel Mr. Barba walking away. Every step was twisting my gut, an odd feeling of being watch kicked in and I was afraid to blink and see one of the faces. I gripped the sheets with white knuckles as my family watched the twitch and soft cry. It was plain to see the pain pushing up, my paranoia cracking to the surface again. They gave me more space, adding more and more till I was in tears. _**Am I a wild beast? Are they so afraid of my movements?... Afraid I would attack.**_ I went to dig my nails into my thighs to find they were cut off and hands rough. _**Was I biting my nails again? No, I couldn't have. Mr. Barba was here the whole time after I woke up.**_

"Ma'am, deep breaths." The doctor instructed as I realized my monitor was flashing and dinging loudly.

"No, no... Please no..." I felt my skin crawling as the tears fell down again.

"I need the sedative in here!" The doctor called as I kicked the bed and threw the pillows so nothing was touching me.

"I... No, no. I no..." As nurses rushed in, I felt the spike of fear and flailed to fight them grabbing me before I went blackout again.

* * *

**_Present_ **

* * *

I gasped as I realized my eyes closed in retelling that part of my story. Raf has stood up and was watching me as the director called a break and looked to me.

"Get yourself composed. Take ten and just relax. We will redo that last portion so your eyes aren't closed after."

"Ok." I stood up, arms crossed over me as Raf walked over.

"Amor, estas bien? (Love, you ok?)" He had sat a hand on my shoulder and my body pulsed softly to the touch, "Bex?"

"Fine." I nodded and caved into his chest to be held.

"You had me scared there." He whispered, "Te estremeciste ... No has tenido garrapatas como esa desde la corte. (You flinched... You haven't had ticks like that since court.)"

"Pasará ... desaparecerá cuando esto termine. (It'll pass... It'll go away when this is over.)" 

He gave me a soft kiss and moved me out of the filming room to get privacy. Taking a small hallway down the way in this building, He held me tight as they both glance out the window. The hold embraced tightly dulled the panic that had slipped in thanks to my mind. 

"Are you sure about this? No es demasiado tarde para parar. (It isn't to late to stop.)" He hums into my ear.

"Lo juro ... quiero esto. (I swear... I want this.)" I tucked in closer to him but still focused on the city skyline.

"I don't understand you sometimes." He chuckled, "Love you."

I kissed him quickly before slowly pulling away walking back into the room as Raf watched and nodded, giving me a small bit of courage for all the fear creeping back in. I redid the end of the story of the hospital and then took a breath before moving on.

* * *

_**April 8, 2013** _

_**Mercy hospital** _

_**Manhattan, New York**_

* * *

I slowly woke up a with a striking feeling of being watched. A nagging feeling of not being alone and the monitor beeped to express my body reacting to it then a hand found mine and a voice soothed it.

"Shhhhh. Calm down. You are fine." 

"Rafael?" I mumble and find his eye looking right at mine.

"Wanted to check on you. Tu familia necesitaba un descanso. (Your family needed a break.)"

I looked around the room and noticed the tv was off and remote put of reach. At first, it didn't seem weird but any time my family was in the hospital, they always had the tv on for background noise. With each little glance around the room, I noticed little things that were off.

"How long has I been out?"

"It's only been a day." He took the chair beside the bed.

"It feels longer... And somehow only a minute ago."

"Are you feeling better?"

"Less pain." I looked right at him, "Have you found anything yet?"

"We are still investigating." He stopped, "I wouldn't worry about it. Focus on getting better."

My mind danced around asking more, it was hard to decide on... But on question slipped forward. **_Do you always do this for victims? Is it just me?_** I bit my tongue, pulling back and stopping the words. I wanted to break the silence, so I pushed out something.

"Can I watch the news? Se siente extraño no saber lo que está pasando en el mundo. (It feels odd not knowing what's going on in the world.)"

"I think it's best if you don't." 

"Oh?" 

He looked down and took a deep breath, "Your case has made the news."

"I made the news?"

"Yes and No, the media is talking about the case and everything around it but you aren't named. No one but the squad and hospital know who you are."

My body pulsed but it didn't do much more as he held my hand softly. He watched me as I looked up to the Tv, taking a deep breath and nodding.

"I want to see."

He frowned but turned the tv on and I saw every reason why he didn't want it on... Why my family wanted it off. The were talking about me being attacked and what the police report stated without my name used. Men laughing and cheering at me being brutalized against my will... I felt a panic attack hit but he muted it and looked at me.

"Breathe, just breathe. They can't hurt you."

"Bexley!" My mom and sister came running in, not jumping to hold me but trying to comfort me. Rafael moved back, a silent scream was seen on my face as my family pushed in to comfort. I wanted this stranger, the one that saved my life. They must've saw this change in my body tension because they slipped back some and Rafael stood watching the scene. 

My mom looked to the tv and frowned, "I thought we agreed no news."

"I wanted to see it." I squeaked out, "I needed to."

"But the stress and PTSD..."

"Mom stop." My sister cut her off, "Let her breathe. It is her life, if she wants to we need to let her."

"Andrea," Rafael started, "The doctor said she should slowly be exposed to it."

 **Andrea? He knows my mom's name? He... He really is attached to me somehow.** I smiled only half-listening to the conversation as my sister sat beside me watching and occasionally adding something to help.

* * *

**_Rafael_ **

_**April 8, 2013** _

_**Mercy hospital** _

_**Manhattan, New York**_

* * *

"She is injured and..."

"And an adult." Alice raised a brow, "Mom, don't start this."

"She will always be my baby."

I stepped back in this argument as they slowly found the right mindset. Andrea turned off the tv and I was about to leave when I felt a tug of guilt, my mind telling me to stay even though there is no reason to. I stopped by the door, holding the frame a second. 

"Hey, Rafael..." 

I turned to look at Bexley, a small smile on her face.

"Thank you."

I nodded and stepped out as a nurse caught me to say she was cleared to leave tomorrow. Part of me was worried she would fight and overcome this pain... She would regain her old life. _**You do like her. You do... Hopefully, she might get better and I can stay around.**_ With my first step out the door, I looked around the streets and could only imagine what she was feeling right now.

* * *

_**Rafael** _

_**Present** _

* * *

I sat down next to Bex as they set up to continue the story. She took my hand, squeezing softly as she leaned into my side. I ran my thumb over her knuckle, kissing her head as they walked through what they wanted now. 

"Ok, we will pick up next with the first few days home and starting to add case details."

"Ok." She nodded softly and took a sip of water and looked into my shoulder as they set up a few more lights and fixed a little camera issue.

"How are we doing?"

"Better when you stop asking." She smirked, "Confía en mí para hablar cuando te necesite. (Trust me to speak when I need you.)"

"I know you won't." I raised my brow.

"Only sometimes." She objected, "Fine, just make sure I need you first."

"Siempre me necesitas. (You always need me.)"

"Déjame ser fuerte y también débil ... Déjame resolverlo y solo saltar cuando ya no pueda más. (Let me be strong and also weak... Let me work through it and only jump in when I can't take it anymore.)"

"Ok... So never." I kissed her, "I get it. I won't stop asking though."

"And you say I'm needy."

I laughed softly savoring this moment before I would have to leave for her to continue this interview. _**At least we know you are strong.**_


	3. Moonlit cries

* * *

_**Bexley** _

_**April 9, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York** _

* * *

"We have uniform officers outside and one at your door."

I nodded but watching the lieutenant speak didn't help my feeling of being unsafe. The attention it brought to my home... I started panicking and she wasn't going to see me being ok.

"Bexley, you will be safe here. You have Detective Rollins at your door and a car outside." Lieutenant Benson watched me a moment, "You have my number whenever you need to talk and family support..."

"I know... I know." I closed my eyes, "Thank you."

The lady almost reluctantly left me alone in my apartment. It was the average home, small but roomy in a way. I stood in my kitchen area, looking at my small table with barstools tucked under, covered in stuff for the kids that wouldn't be coming anytime soon. My living room was prepped with makeshift beds, I turned away because tearing them down would only hurt more right now. I took the first door and walked into the bathroom, past I showed to my mirror. Worse decision yet. Starring back at me was a shell, bruised at points and patched at others. Hair in a rats nest, eyes almost dead looking as I studied myself... The foreign feel and look I was in. Nails a little jagged from being cut uneven, lips cracked and dried blood beside them... 

"This isn't me." I whispered and threw the shirt to the side and looked at the marks down my body, dipping under the baggy sweats I was in.

 _ **This isn't real. No! No! No!**_ I grabbed the sink nob and turned on the water to scrub beside my still bruised breast. The blue and purple stayed like when I tried dying my hair as a teen and got my skin too. A small frustrated cry for help slipped as the sweats fell and I ran in the shower under hot water. It burned but felt right. The searing heat on my skin as I scrubbed my luffa over my skin like sandpaper. I wanted the burn, the pain... It felt better somehow.

"No, no, no." I closed my eyes and held in a scream.

"Bexley? Are you ok?"

I turned off the shower and stood there asking myself the same thing, "Detective Rollins?"

I pulled a towel around me and walked to my kitchen to see her standing there. She looked at my raw, red skin and frowned. No words given, no strong advice... She just gave a hard smile and nodded towards a seat.

"Mind if I set in a bit?"

"Go ahead." I forced a smile and went back to change

Putting on a loose hoodie that use to be my dad's favorite hoodie, it was old but so comforting. The stains plaguing it, a rip on the front pocket, and the frayed sleeve... It was my best way to feel safe. I pulled on pajama bottoms and walked back out to make some tea, thinking that could solve all my problems. The blonde sat at my tiny kitchen table, she was looking around as I pulled a second cup.

"Tea or Coffee?"

"Coffee, thank you."

I hit the pot to the side, "I only have this Cuban coffee a friend gave me. A little frosted sugar cookie in the fridge for creamer."

"Straight is fine." She nodded and took the cup offered to fill up, "How are you doing?"

"I'm still here." I whispered, "I'm still here." 

"How does it feel to be home?"

"Somehow worse and better." I dropped the teabag in the cup and pour the hot water over it, "Sorry, I didn't... I just... I don't know how or what to talk about."

"Your case probably isn't the best topic." She nodded, "Tell me about your family."

I stopped, my body shifted but not in the ridged way... I felt a spark of good in me, a pre-attack me slipping out. 

"I'm the youngest of two, just me and my older sister Alice. She has two kids, a boy and a girl. My mom lives close and tends to be overbearing at times... The usual things."

"What about your dad?"

"Passed away when I was eight."

"I'm sorry." She offered.

"Me too." I took a breath and sipped the tea, "your accent, not from around here."

"No, Georgia."

I sat there finding some kinda common ground to talk about till her coffee was done and she went back out by the door for me to get 'sleep'. Truthfully, sleep wasn't coming for me anytime soon but I appreciate her giving me the chance. Now in the silent hell I once called my home, I simply try to think of anything that isn't pain. My hand brushed my side and I winced. My chest felt swollen and I knew if I looked, you could very faintly still see the hand marks on them. My back ached but I didn't move to make it hurt worse or to stir up the other injuries. While most had disappeared during my long sleep at the hospital, I swore I could still see them when I looked. 

"Come on, distraction." I turned the tv on and shifted on the couch before a pop on my side made me wince.

_"The cheers heard around the world. As the Manhattan rape case is making headlines around the world for the sickening details including men cheering on the rapist..."_

I clicked the channel button and frowned as the news was everywhere. I stopped on an infomercial and was slowly gaining a clear head when the screen flashed and breaking news covered the screen before the news anchor took the main view. Underneath the headline 'Protesters gather at local store.'

" _Breaking news, A large group of protesters has gathered outside a local bodega where a vicious rape took place. With signs asking for justice to change in rape culture filling the candlelight vigil for the unnamed victim."_

 _*click*_ I turned the station again before the same news hit and I turned it off. _**What is wrong with me?**_ I felt that twitch in my gut and winced as a slight pain hit. **_I am the news right now. I am this nameless Rape victim that guys cheered for it to continue as I wept._** My hand shook as I dropped the remote with tears slipping down my face. Every squint of the eye brought a memory back. Every tug of pain pulled a moment from that day. I was panting, shaking, bawling by my window as the moonlight landed on me. **_I don't know what's worse... Being the biggest news story or no one knowing it's me._** I didn't hear my door but I caught the running steps over to me as I curled up.

"Bexley..."

"No, no, no, no..." I shivered, "no..."

"Bexley, It's detective Rollins. Can you talk to me?"

I was completely engrossed and unable to find the strength to speak. She stepped back and made a phone call, speaking fast as my mind raced. _**She's calling a squad. I'm gonna go back in and be sudated... They'll put me in the psych ward... Oh god, I'm losing my mind.**_ I squeezed my legs to my chest and rocked softly, forcing pressure and holding my body in that now familiar pain.

* * *

_**Bexley** _

_**Present day** _

* * *

"Can I take a break?" I looked up and the director nodded.

Raf watching from the back walked up as I stood and waited for him. His hands circled me, lips pressed to my forehead and calming words whispered to my ear. My soul was hurting, deep inside much like that moment I went back to... I needed him to mellow it out.

"You asked for a break?"

"It was hitting... I was... Am... I am hitting that danger zone."

"And you called a break." He smiled, "Tell me, what do you need."

That phrase echoed in my soul, those words from him fixed everything. It became a phrase much like 'I love you' that made my body react in a good way... It soothed my pain.

"You... Just you." 

He squeezed me in tighter and I felt the panic sliding off of me. He tugged me tighter when he felt a tremor or heard a sniffle, almost suffocating me but it helped. He always helped.

* * *

**_ Rafael _ **

_**April 9, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York** _

* * *

I sat in my office, the clock nearing midnight as I shut my law books and packed my briefcase. All day I had been examining the evidence SVU sent over on the Donavon case, looking at lab results and seeing how Bexley was physically hurt. 

_Ring...ring...ring...ring..._

**_Not another call from Mamí. Me dormiré después de ponerme al día. (I will get sleep after I am caught up.)_ **I was about to ignore the call when something convinced me to look, my gut begging me to check the name. It was Rollins... _**Wasn't Rollins on the overnight watch?**_ My hands fumbled to answer before it went to voicemail.

"Hello?"

"Barba, Bexley is breaking down again. It is almost worse than the hospital report." She sighed, "You asked to be called and well, she was calm around you. If you stop by it might stop her from the hospital again."

I bit my lip, _**You can not tend to her like a broken doll. She is another victim, not your victim to fix. But I could spare her the hospital stay again? Maybe I should...**_ Before my thought ended, my lips moved and voice spoke.

"I'll be right over."

I rushed out and in just ten minutes was walking to her door. Rollins opened on the first knock and motioned to her rolled up tightly. Carefully I approached and bent down beside her, hand hovering to stroke her back.

"Bex... It's Rafael. Necesito que te calmes. (I need you to calm down.)"

She had a soft shake but I moved on, letting my hand barely touch as I watched her body twitch before stilling. A soft whimper escaped and I strokes her back gently.

"Just breathe... Nice and easy." The next movement was mimicking that motion, she was easing down, "There we go. Vamos a mantenerte fuera del hospital. (Let's keep you out of the hospital.)" 

I kept my hand steady and slow so she knew when I was going to lift it up and put it back down, keeping her in control for if she reacted. It worked, lulling her down as slowly, she started to uncurl.

"Rafael?"

"Si. Escuché que necesitabas un poco de ayuda. (Yes. I heard you needed a little help.)" 

"Thank you." She whispered as her eyes still watered lightly.

I sat beside her and slowly got her to uncurl, to open back up as her body fought every move. Rollins stepped outside when I nodded, figuring she would adjust better alone. **_That's it, Let's keep you safe. Just breathe easy and we can stay here tonight._** As she sat with her back against the couch and behind on the floor, her eyes opened and I about died. They were flooded and red, it looked like pure hell in her head right now and I barely knew how to help this far.

"Hey... Can you stand up?"

"I don't know." She whispered.

"Can we try?"

She nodded and took my hand as I stood, her legs wobbled but held her fairly well. I stepped back but her grip on my hand tightened and I didn't attempt to let go.

"Hey now, I'm not going anywhere. Estoy aquí mientras me necesites. (I am here as long as you need me.)"

Her eyes cracked open slightly as she looked to me. I let go of one hand and motioned back to the couch, getting her to sit down as I slowly backed up. Panic hit her, that sick moment of a split second before breaking down... Then I bent down in front of her.

"Bex, I am just sending Detective Rollins home. I'll stay here with you. Tenemos un auto en tu edificio. Si algo pasa, puedo traerlos aquí. (We have a car sitting on your building. If anything happens, I can get them up here.)"

Accepting that answer, I walked out to Rollins and shut the door a moment. The blonde detective raised a brow, a silent question I was not going to answer as it was very unprofessional. _**I am not having this rumor spread. This is just a case, only a case.**_

"You can go Detective."

"Can I?"

"She is more comfortable with me here."

"You seem comfortable with her too." She tipped her head, "Are we sure you don't know her? You called her family by name at the hospital."

"I looked at her file." I grumbled, "I can't help but feel... protective of her."

"And why's that?"

I glared and leaned on the door, "I don't like your tone Detective."

"I'm not getting overly friendly with the victim Councilor." 

"I don't need to justify anything to you." I opened the door a crack, "Go home to your kids."

She took that answer as I went back into the broken mess on the couch. It was odd, while I do care about the victims... Bex was different. I was using a nickname often with her, trying to understand her and calm her... I even came here to her apartment to stop her from breaking down and going to the hospital again. _**Why am I doing this? Why am I breaking all the rules?**_ She looked at me, as if wondering the same thing.

"Sorry to ruin your night." She whispered.

"Ruin? Ah yes... Arruinaste una noche en casa estudiando los archivos del caso para las mociones judiciales mañana (You ruined a late night at home studying case files for court motions tomorrow.)" I gave a small smile, "It's fine, really."

"I'm just bothering you..."

"No, you are not." I sighed, "I have my work, It doesn't hurt to have company."

She nodded and I grabbed my briefcase, pulling a file to read at her table with an occasional glance up to see her sitting staring out the window with the tv on low. We managed to find something not news-related and she was in and out of paying attention. Her hair brushed back and eyes clouded up, the verge of tears with one sliding down her cheek. It was distracting, I remember seeing her partially curled, illuminated by moonlight with tears sliding quietly down her face.

* * *

**_Bexley_ **

**_Present_ **

* * *

I curled my hair, playing with the small bit close to me. A nervous habit from when I was young. Twist the strand around your finger, feel the soft sliding of it, each strand slowly bending and sliding. A simple distraction of a smooth touch... It made me smile. Raf noticed and rubbed my side gently, his nervous habit for me.

"Holding in there?"

" Hasta Aquí. (So far.)" I nodded.

"If you need to stop, say it." He made me loom him in the eyes, "I can see your hesitation. Reliving it, it could be too much."

"I will be fine. I am strong and resilient."

"Más como terco. (More like stubborn.)" He mumbled and I smacked him.

"No worse than you."

He walked away as the director called us back to film. A camera on me, fidgeting in a chair as I adjust to feel less exposed. A failing task it would be, you can't feel less exposed when you are baring it all for camera.

"Ok, we are picking it up from the first night home when your Husband joined you."

"Ready?" One called out.

"Count us in." The director nodded.

"Three, Two..." The camera man hit the button, "One."

* * *

_**Bexley** _

_**April 10, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York** _

* * *

"It's past midnight." I spoke as the man watching me for an hour or so now blinked.

"What?"

"It's almost one in the morning."

"Are you tired? Puedo poner esto para que no te preocupes por la luz...(I can put this up so you don't worry about light...)"

"No, it's not a bother. I just didn't want to bother you. Dijiste algo sobre la corte en la mañana. (You said something about court in the morning.)"

He smiled softly, "I'm fine."

"No, I should try to sleep... Even if I'm not tired. I'll stay here you can have the bed." I stood to grab a blanket and he stopped me.

"Go to your bed, I'll be up a little longer...the couch is fine."

I smiled and got a blanket for him on the couch and laid down in my room. After two hours of struggling, I went to back out to find Rafael asleep on the couch. _**I miss sleeping like that. I miss sleeping on my own and of my own choice.**_ I sat down on the floor, leaning against the couch. It was a soft lulling that came when I curled up, laying on the floor rolled up like a burrito. Next thing I knew, it was dark, pitch-black... Then hell returned. That bodega. 

_The sticky floor sucked my feet in, freezing me in my spot. I was shaking worse than ever before as the heckling kicked in. I felt eyes on me, heard cheering as I felt the hands grabbing me again. Panic took over and suddenly I was barely breathing as the nightmare dug in._

"Bex! Bex, wake up!" 

I shot up straight as my heart stopped, air forcing itself in as I shivered. Two hands sat on my shoulders as I felt a new spike of fear that dissolved with his voice.

"Bex, it's me. You are safe... Solo fue una pesadilla. (Just a nightmare.)"

"I know..." I closed my eyes and leaned back against his leg, "I know."

"I promise, you are safe. I won't let anything hurt you."

I melted against his legs, taking a small breath then looking out at the dark apartment. A small bit of light sat on my face as I looked up and saw Rafael sitting up in his undershirt.

"Promise?"

"Promise." He helped me up to my feet, "Now let's get you in your bed."


	4. Break

* * *

_**Bexley** _

_**April 12, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York** _

* * *

Standing at the door, I see detective Carisi waiting for me. He waits there as I untangled the locks and chains to open my door. Holding my waist tightly, I gave a small smile as he stood back a ways to make me feel better.

"Hello Bexley, I am to bring you to the precinct. We have some possible suspects." 

I felt the tickle in my stomach, that ache of knowing something was going wrong. I nodded and motion him to come in.

"Let me get ready, just a few minutes." 

"Of course."

Walking to my room and locking the door, I slowly found clothes and got dressed to go out. A better fitting pair of sweats and a baggy shirt and hoodie, walking over for shoes before emerging. While the man was definitely nice, I still felt unnerved near him. 

"Ready to go?"

"Yeah." I grabbed a bag and followed him to a plain car.

"Traffic is good right now. It shouldn't be a long drive." He started the car as I blinked a moment before forcing myself to get in.

He drove carefully making sure not to bump me around or make me feel unsafe. He did, however, make an odd turn and as I glanced out the windows on his side, at the end of the side street was a group of people chanting hold signs. _**A protest? Is that one of the protests about me?**_ It must've read on my face like a book because he commented on it.

"I hope you don't mind, this is still the easiest route."

"So it is about me."

"Yes."

I took a deep breath, nodding before looking away. **They are protesting for me without knowing me? Without knowing the victim at all. What are they protesting? Rape? Just rape in general?** I shifted in my seat and he reached over for the radio. The station was on a new mix channel, not bad but not my favorite.

"I hope you don't mind."

"No, it's fine." I looked at him, "Silence may be golden, but it is also deafening."

* * *

_**Bexley** _

_**Present** _

* * *

I sat in the chair, straight as can be. No slouch to draw attention, not sitting awkwardly like I normally would. The director tried to direct a little more closely, keep me in a certain area after I mentioned the protests happening.

"How did you feel seeing a protest?"

"Awkward. Confused... I never went close to one yet, just heard of them."

"Did you go to one?"

"Yes, later on."

"Did you ever tell anyone it was you?"

"Not till court." I took a breath, "Only my family and SVU."

"Ok, what were your thoughts about your case going worldwide news?"

"I didn't have any. I never really watched or listened to it, still very raw at the time."

"Ok, Let's give you a break and switch in Rafael. Unless anything else happened in the car on the way? We can run him and then have you recount it too."

"Ok."

* * *

_**Rafael** _

_**April 12, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York** _

* * *

Sitting with Liv, I looked out her window towards the bullpen, "So we have four?"

"Two rapists and two onlookers." She nodded.

"It's a good start." I mumble.

"Rafa, you know I have to ask." She took off her glasses, "You and Bexley..."

"She is just the victim."

"But, she is the victim you found and rescued. She wasn't introduced to you due to the case."

I looked back to her, "Ok, I am a lot invested in this... Seeing her clinging to sanity, I wanted to help."

"Whatever you say doesn't leave this room." Liv caught my eyes, "Te gusta ella? (Do you like her?)"

"She was just raped..."

"Not what I asked. You are hanging around with her and she is clinging to you." She sighed, "We have all seen the knight-in-shiny-armor effect."

"Are you saying she is attracted to me due to me saving her on the street?"

"Yes." She replied bluntly.

"Fair enough." I saw Bexley walk in with Sonny, barely holding together.

"She's here. Let's do the line ups and hopefully have something for warrants." Liv stood and opened the door, "Come on."

I followed her out and hid the smile when Bexley saw me. She straightened just a little, looking a little more comfortable since I walked in. _**Ok, maybe it is that hero/victim romance thing.**_ Liv took lead and sent the squad to run each lineup, I sat with Bexley and Liv trying to prepare her for this.

"They can't see you, they can't hear you. Just look between each of the six and tell us if you recognize anyone and where from."

"Ok." She nodded, "I can do that."

"It will just be us three and the lawyer for the suspect. Don't worry about anyone else." I added.

"Ok."

An officer told us the lines were ready, so we walked in and the first lawyer walked in. The first lawyer in was Michael Guthrie, one I knew well. He sighed at the sight of me, nodding to start as I motioned Bexley to step forward.

Liv pressed the mic, "Line one."

Carisi walked in a line of six men, all fairly similar. Curly blonde hair, medium length, cut on the edge of the right side hairline. We had to put a few on to balance out the group, a tattoo was drawn on their forearm. When they hit their mark and turned, Bex flinched back. **One of the rapists for sure**. 

"Just let me know if anyone looks familiar." 

"Number four." She looked down.

"Where do you know him from?"

"He raped me."

Liv knocked on the glass twice and the line exited as the second one stepped in. I glance to Guthrie as he looked down then slowly stepped out for the next one.

"Talk to you soon Barba."

 _ **You always do. I can get a deal from you easier than any other public defender.**_ I rolled my eyes, and turned back to the glass. Line two had a more average looking set of men. Bexley stood for a minute looking them over before turning back.

"Can six step forward?"

"Six step forward." Liv spoke into the mic and the man followed orders.

"Him. He was back by the beer cooler cheering. He grabbed at me when I was running out."

Liv gave two knocks and the line switched out just like the lawyers. _**I wonder how many will deal? I don't even recognize this public defender.**_ The lady glanced over Bexley, eyeing her to come up with a defense... Something me and Liv both noticed. Bex slouched her shoulders in, a small shake given before she spoke.

"One." She had a quiver in her throat, "He, he locked the door and shoved me into another man... He raped me."

Liv knocked twice sending out another perp as the last one came in. The guy looked so harmless, almost like the normal geeky IT guy. He fixed his glasses and Bex leaned in closer to the glass.

"Three. He was watching and cheering."

Two knocks and I patted Bexley back softly, "Good job. Let's get you to Benson's office to update you on everything."

She walked with Liv to her office and the female lawyer looked to me, "Sorry, you two look pretty chummy?"

"I'm sorry, who are you?"

"Mika Hayes. I'm new to the public defense office." She smirked, "And you?"

"Barba. ADA." I walked by, "I would talk to your client before the other rats get all the cheese."

I went to Guthrie first, his guy copped to the rape and offered some more detail as long as I was lenient at sentencing. He didn't have names but added a few interesting details like the geeky guy, he took video. Carisi processed the guy and I agreed to see them at arraignment and keep our agreement. After that detail came out, I knocked on the door and got Liv to step out to tell her. If I can spare this detail from Bexley for a bit, I think I should.

"Yes, Rafa?"

"We may have video." I leaned in, "Our last perp, he watched and took video according to our rat."

"Video? Bexley never said anything about that."

"She might not have seen... Or she blocked it out."

"Good news, bad news." She whispered, "Should I tell her?"

"Let's verify first."

"Ok, which lawyer was he with?"

"The lady. Red hair, young, arrogant."

"Almost you?" She smirked, "Fin was on him. I'll have Nick and Amanda just process theirs."

She stepped back in to talk to Bex before going to the others. I moved on to the interrogation room, Fin standing outside.

"Counselor, he isn't talking."

"He will if he wants a deal. One of the others saw him recording the assault."

Fin looked at the door, "She isn't gonna let him, pretty arrogant."

"So I noticed." I motioned him in with me and immediately Hayes shook her head.

"My client has nothing to say."

"Didn't ask him to." I leaned on the table, "But the cheese is going quick and something just put a target on your client."

"Oh? Are we threatening him now?"

"No, we have a statement that your client recorded the assault."

The man looked down and I swear he was sweating and almost shaking. _**Well, he isn't a poker player.**_ She laughed and cut us off now.

"Arrest him or we are leaving."

Fin jumped to it and I grabbed my stuff to head to court. _**Four down, how many more to go?**_

* * *

_**Bexley** _

_**April 12, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York**_

* * *

Being sat alone in the office was odd, no one to talk to... Not that I was big on that much more. Sargent Benson was talking to detectives and Rafael was... _**How can you use his name? No male can be addressed by name but him? What is wrong with you.**_ My legs came up to my chest, squeezing tight for a moment as I hummed lightly. After being at home a few days and dreading going out to the point of shaking at the thought, I started reading more. Books I never thought to read were piling up at my doorstep and I was drowning in stories I could only wish were real. My feet dropped and I glanced to my bag, pulling free a book before crossing my legs and trying to find a safe feeling.

"Steven King? One of my favorites." 

I looked up to see Rafael, "He's great."

"I loved under the dome, brilliant twist to it. Can be used to argue many subjects from bullying to pollution really." He straightened his back, "All four are arrested and heading to court now. We are working on deals to get more names."

"Si pudieras encontrarlos todos. (If you could even find them all.)"

"Bexley, don't think like that." He squatted down in front of me, "How many men hurt you that night?"

"Five raped me."

"How many watched?"

"No clue."

"Acabas de identificar dos. Vamos, puedes recordar. (You just identified two. Come on, you can remember.)" 

"At least six, maybe eight. It was loud and they space out."

"Ok."

I closed my eyes, "One by the coolers, beer section. Two in the candy aisle, two in the baby section back corner... Three up close but not touching till the end." 

He tapped my cheek softly, "Bexley, look at me." 

I cracked my eyes and he smiled, "One, two, two, three. Nine watched."

"That makes eight." She frowned.

"The clerk, he stood in the corner watching but never moved." Rafael handed me his picture, "He reported it the next day, turning himself in and giving us enough detail to get these four... We will find the other nine."

I smiled softly as he pulled it away so I didn't study the man. Older, a little heavy, dark hair, African American... _**Why don't I remember him?**_

"You should get home. Estoy seguro de que alguien puede llevarte o puedo dejarte. (I'm sure someone can give you a ride, or I could drop you.)"

"I thought you needed to get to court?"

"I can spare a few, you aren't far from the courthouse." He offered his hand, "Besides, I can't arraign the criminals if they aren't present in court."

I took his hand and let him pull me up carefully, "Thank you."

"Anytime." He nodded and waited for me to put the book away, "Let's get you back to safety."

I felt a shiver, but it wasn't the painful memory one... More of the affection one. It felt great in a moment, to feel almost like the bubbly normal teen. Then reality kicked back in, I slowed down and broke his hand contact as he tried to lead me down. He glanced back but didn't say a word, as if he knew why. _**Who are you? I mean to me. Who are you to me?**_ I took a deep breath, **You can stop me during a breakdown... You have to be special somehow. After seeing those men, it was your presence keeping me sane. Your soft touch of a firm hand, it kept me grounded when I felt my edges cracking. He was something special to me.**


	5. Empty screams

* * *

_**Bexley** _

_**April 17, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York** _

* * *

"Bexley?" Raf pulled my attention to him, "Please, come in my office."

I looked around the small waiting office, breathing easy. With only a small desk that his assistant sat at and some chairs for people waiting, it looked nice. But that was how I always imagined his office, and his home... And everything about him. What little he's told me of himself, he likes nice things but doesn't seem to use them often. With a small hand on my shoulder and the smallest urge to jump, Raf got my full attention and lead me in. Inside sat Lieutenant Benson and detective Carisi.

"Hello, Bexley."

"Hi."

"Hi." I forced a smile as my gut turned.

My insides were fighting over the amount of people near me and Carisi in the room. Don't get me wrong, I like him. He was a good guy and I was loosening up to him, but he was causing that small reaction still. Raf doesn't cause it but Raf was also labeled in my other folder in my head. He was something important and I didn't know why.

"Have a seat. We have an update on your case as it sits." Raf motioned to the many spots open but still giving space. 

He had chosen to lean on his desk, Benson was in a chair at the table, and Carisi was standing off back by the windows. They were spaced out for sure, making it better but that underlying sting still was sitting with me. I sat on the couch, eyes closed as the moment built in my head to something ridiculous. _**Breath... Just stay calm. This is just an update, Rafael is there... Breathe.**_

"Bexley, we have good and bad news." Benson lead, "With some deals in place, three of the four we have are pleading guilty and will not go through trial."

"Three?"

"One is holding out," Carisi added, "But the other three have passed on some names and descriptions. We have three more we have arrest warrants on and two descriptions we are trying to match to people."

"So five more?" I deflated a little.

"Five so far. I know that is six still in the air but we are making progress. La mayoría está tratando de obtener sentencias más leves. (Most are dealing out for lighter sentencing.)" Raf leaned in, "Don't lose faith yet. You have us."

"The two descriptions are detailed and we think we have them identified. To save you having to do more line ups, we have photos here. I'll give you the tablet, tell me if you see one." Benson handed over the tablet and I struggled to make my hand move to swipe the pictures. 

Every face looked normal... Then one that stood out made me almost drop the tablet. Benson grabbed it quickly and looked at the photo. 

"He raped me... He... He..." My breath went out of control.

"Bexley..." Rafael was rushing over as I felt my body fight me.

* * *

_**Bexley** _

**_Present_ **

* * *

"Let me stop you a moment, how did you feel right then?"

"How did I feel?" I paused as the director nodded, "Violated all over again. Whenever I saw their faces, any of them, it made me physically sick.''

"How was the news of finding three more and two on their way?"

"Just as bad. I couldn't separate the attack and them. Many were still free and I would have to testify to put some away... It meant reliving the crime constantly."

"One thing we hear a lot about in crime, especially rape cases, the victims are reluctant to take it to court and speak out. Between reliving the crimes and the PTSD, which part is the hardest for you?"

"All of it. You have to hope the police believe you. If it becomes news people will have their own options... It is hell."

"How much longer was it till the other six were found?"

"Not horribly long."

"Ok, my apologies. Let's pick back up." The director motioned but I felt a shake to my arm. 

"Let's switch out. She needs a break." Raf offered and I smiled, "I can take over for most the conversation."

"Please?" I smiled.

* * *

_**Rafael** _

_**April 17, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York**_

* * *

"Bexley. Look at me." I stopped in front of her, "Bexley."

She was shaking, breath rapid and uneven as tears started. It was heartbreaking, I squatted down and cupped her hands in mine as she was barely in one piece.

"Bexley, listen... Breath. Nice and easy. Vamos, respira hondo. (Come on, breathe in deep.)" He gave a small squeeze to ground her.

Her eyes closed tight and she took deep breaths, coming down as I smiled at the crack of her eyes. One moment later she was looking at me and I waved my hand to get someone to get her water. With the bottle beside us, she reached and slowly sipped it before looking up at the room. I moved back as I gauged her movement, her actions not far off from normal in the situation. 

"I know this is hard, just take it slow. We have a lot of work to go through, a lot of details in the update."

"Ok." She nodded.

"So far, all except one is dealing out. We are having them turn over more names and give as much details as possible. The only hold out has a strong case built against him." Carisi offered up, "Everything is going good."

"Then what's the bad?" She looked up and I didn't want to say it.

"You will be a witness in court. There is no case without you." Liv added and I closed my eyes.

"So any that don't plea out will require me recounting the story... Every time." She winced, "When does it stop?"

Liv got a call and I waved Carisi to follow, she wasn't comfortable around men. I couldn't explain it but, I just knew she needed my help. A chair pulled up in front of her and she leaned forward into me, hugging tight as she fought to keep control... Then it just broke and I held her. No words needed, no sounds but hers... Just my warm body. It felt like hours, really only ten minutes before she dried up and a knock pulled us to the fact we were in my office still.

"Councilor?" Fin glanced around, "Can I get you for a moment?"

I stood and stepped out to notice Carmen had went to break. Fin took a breath and nodded to my office in reference to Bexley.

"How is she?"

"Barely holding together." I sighed, "Why?"

"We have the three in custody willing to deal and the other two on their way. One was referred to as a rapist, he won't deal."

"Two court cases so far. Out of fourteen, not bad."

"No counselor, he has a history. To convictions on record and his DNA hit on four other unsolved rapes over the past year."

My heart races a little as a small smirk came up, "DNA is a hundred percent? No problems?"

"No, they ran it three times. He is the perp."

"Good... Three strikes." I glanced back, "A little pressure, and he can get a good deal."

"How? Three strikes, he'll fight it. He has a minimum. He won't confess."

"Watch me." I walked back in and got my briefcase before stopping by Bexley, "Bex, would you like a ride?"

"Ride? That's all the update?"

"At the moment. We have one suspect on the way to the precinct that I might get a deal from. We might possibly get this all dealt out and get you off the hook." I helped her up, "That is my goal, to keep you from court."

"Thank you." She followed me out and Fin drove her home before we went to the precinct.

She sat in the back, tucked in as far as she could with her hands folded and fingers laced in together. Her eyes down, not even able to find the window. I was worried watching her, the way she hid close to her chest. Then I saw her mouth slightly open and was worried, it didn't look right for her... It was the silent screaming face. A term she used with me once, her face of pain. It may not gave been like before but her emotional pain was on a high. I reached back a hand, extending a water bottle I had brought for me but didn't truly need it. 

"Have a drink. No se descuide en el proceso de mejora. (Don't neglect yourself in the process of getting better.)" 

She looked at me and smiled with a forced feel, but after a sip she had a touch more of herself. The bottle rolled between her hands and the smile grew with a genuine glow... One I found in my dreams lately. _**I want to see her smile like that forever. I would give anything to see that smile.**_

"Almost there." Fin motioned to the building coming up on the other side of the light.

"Thanks again... For everything." 

Fin pulled off and she hopped out, waving as we pulled away. Her feet stuttering, fighting her as she walked in the building and her face started to drop. **_If I wasn't needed... God, why did I have to see that?_** As we turned the corner, she had went in the building. The silent screaming face was back as if I had done nothing to help, the only thing I will remember all day.

* * *

_**Bexley** _

_**April 17, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York**_

* * *

It was nearly ten when a knock on my door stirred me from the tv. **_Who could that be? I mean, why this late. Did something happen? One escaped... They don't believe me anymore. The detail needs to move me to safety... Or maybe they have to pee again, I swear that one uniform has a pea-sized bladder._** A second knock came and I found my footing, jumping up carefully as I called.

"One second!" I walked through the kitchen and stopped at the door.

_**Look...look first. Don't open that door without looking.**_ My hand stopped shy of the grip and I glanced up to the hole to look through. Before my eyes focused enough to make out the person, I heard him and my heart pounded.

"Damn it, she must be sleeping. Don't wake her now Raf." Rafael was mid-turn when I opened the door.

"Hey, Raf."

"Hi, Bexley... How are you doing?"

"Surviving." I motioned him in and he hesitantly did, "More news?"

"Yeah, I made a deal and got the last few names. All six are being processed for warrants to be arrested.

"You found all of them?" I shut the door and leaned against it, smiling wide until reality hit and court came back to mind.

"Bex, look at me." Raf slowly tugged my shoulder till I turned to him, "I know court is still going to be rough. It is taking up your mind right now... Block it out. Esta es una buena noticia, los catorce están arrestados. Tenemos a todos sus atacantes y cómplices. (This is good news, all fourteen are arrested. We have all your attackers and accomplices.)"

"I know." My hands reached out and next thing I know, I am hugging him. 

Arms around his neck, feet pushed to their tiptoes, Lips pressed to his and suddenly the joy was gone. I was kissing my DA and panic hit again. **Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop**... I pulled back and looked at Rafael, his face just as confused. **_Shit._**

"I..."

"That..." He stopped and looked down as neither thought made it through.

"Shit." I whispered and held my waist, arms crossed over.


	6. A vision in the flame

* * *

_**Bexley** _

_**April 24, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York** _

* * *

During this time, the news was covering everything. They were perp walking all the suspects arrested, having specialists talk with news media about what happened... Everywhere you looked, it was there. An unnamed and unwanted attention directed at no one but knowing it would be me soon enough.

"Bexley, It's Benson."

I sat on the phone looking out my window at a vigil, "Hello."

"Just wanted to call and update you. We have arrested all fourteen perps."

"That's good."

"Mr. Barba is pushing ahead with trial for two of the men. The rest have pleaded out and are assisting on the trial."

"Will I have to testify?"

"That will be up to him. Due to the amount of deals to testify, you may be able to pass it up."

"And all of them are arrested?"

"Yes."

I stepped away from the curtain, "That's good news. And the media?"

"We can't control them. They can't publish your name and you are registered as Jane Doe. Once we go to trial, we can't promise anything." The line went silent a moment, "Are you doing ok?"

"Yeah." I lied, "It's just, I'm afraid to leave the house and the media is all over this. I feel like all my privacy is gone..."

"Just try to keep it off the news."

"Ok." 

I hung up, softly sitting the phone down. My hands were shaking, heart racing, and ears ringing. I felt exposed, even while covered neck to toe. It was starting to get dark, the vigil was growing larger and the lights from across the street at the park were illuminating the window. It was hard not to go look, so I slipped on sweats and a heavy jacket to go see. It felt like a lifetime just getting to the front door, the doorman held it open and let me out. 

I approached the park, a large group of people singing and holding up signs and candles. Barely a few feet in and a lady handed me a candle and lit it before moving on. My feet felt glued in their spot as the crowd seemed to grow bigger by the second. Some chanted 'we stand with Jane' and others prayed and sung hymns. A bit of media started to grow around the group. 

"Everyone, thank you for coming. We are here in support of Jane Doe who was raped by several men as others watched and cheered. Some people say she is asking for it, others think she wanted it... We even have a few that said she initiated it. We are here because we know this isn't true. Women do not ask to be raped. Women who wear dresses and skirts aren't inviting people to assault them."

I stood watching the woman speak, her words strong and powerful. The crowd cheering started to cause flashbacks but dulled as the crowd cheers got louder. They chanted for justice and women's rights. I started to work my way back, trying to stay near the edge so no one got to close and I could if I needed to. My anxiety kicked up as my skin pimpled with this odd feeling, I couldn't find words for it.

"Justice for Jane! Justice for Jane!"

I felt my lips move but no sound escaping as the chant got louder.

"Justice for Jane! Justice for Jane!"

The candles grew brighter, illuminating the faces of people wanting something they believe in. And in a twisted way, they were giving me a reason to keep pushing and they didn't even know it.

"Justice for Jane!"

Before long, girls and women stepped up on stage and shared their stories. They spoke about how they were suppressed and how the courts failed to get the convictions. They talked about their attackers threatening them, teasing them. Many spoke of being groped and manhandled for just walking down a street. I was shocked as one woman talked about the same bodega I was attacked in, she was harassed and ran out of the store leaving everything behind only a week before... She sent her boyfriend to retrieve her things.

"Bex?" 

My body tensed up as a hand found my shoulder. I was about to crumble from the touch then it just stopped. My body soothed, skin went back to normal... I looked back and saw Rafael.

"Rafael?"

"What are you doing here?" He glanced around as not to draw attention.

"It was right outside my window. The light was distracting and... I felt like I had to."

"I don't know if this is a good idea." He paused as a teen girl got on the stage, barely looking fifteen, and told how she was raped at her school.

She spoke about hiding it for two weeks before hearing the story, it gave her the courage to tell her parents and push to have a case started. I caught Raf looking down, then turning back to me.

"Nosotros deberiamos ir (We should go)."

I followed him to the edge of the street then stopped, "Raf, did you know that girl?"

"One of my other cases, very early in the investigation." He sighed, "She mentioned coming forward because of you."

"Me? Why me?" I was pulled back to our surroundings as cameras flashed on us. 

"Were you part of the vigil?"

"No comment." Raf held up a hand and motioned you to move away.

A few more cameras were sent on us, then we were back in my building. He walked me up to my apartment and stepped in with me. As my brain cleared from the events below, I realized I never asked why he was here.

"Rafael, why are you here? Quiero decir, ¿por qué me encontraste en la vigilia? (I mean, why did you find me at the vigil?)"

He stopped at the doorway to the bathroom, he followed me as I had walked in to retreat to my bedroom. I noticed he paused, as if thinking.

"I wanted to talk to you." He followed me to my bed but stopped at the door, "I thought we needed to talk."

"About?"

"Last week." He cleared his throat, "We never addressed it."

"No pensé que quisieras. (I didn't think you wanted to.)"

* * *

**_Rafael_ **

_**April 24, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York** _

* * *

I watched Bex sit on her bed, pushing her coat off and looking up at me. _**This was easier in my head. I had it all planned and suddenly it goes out the window looking at her.**_ Her eyes dropped down to her shoes, slipping them off and kicking them to the side.

"How bad is it?

_**How bad is it? Did she do it in the moment or did she mean it?** _

"What do you mean?"

"Is my case blown?"

"No, you still have a good case. Almost all of them pleaded out."

"But?"

"But it is unethical. You are technically a victim and any contact like that could cause a mistrial and put a new attorney on your case." I crossed my arms, "This of course can't be mentioned..."

"I figured." She looked back up to me, "I didn't mean to jeopardize anything."

"You're fine. Escuche, fue un pequeño momento que no necesitaba más atención. (Listen, it was a small moment not needing more attention.)"

"Okay. Lo suficientemente justo. (Ok. Fair enough.)" She nodded.

_**She looks disappointed... Maybe she wanted me to say something else? I shouldn't even be here, she just... She has me messed up. I have lost common sense.** _

"Hey, Raf?"

"Yeah."

"Alguna vez ha sentido que no importa lo que haga, es la elección incorrecta? (Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, it's the wrong choice?)"

"Yeah. Eso es parte de la vida. (That's part of life.)" I moved to sit by her.

"I feel that now." She closed her eyes, "I feel like every choice is wrong and time should just..."

"Freeze." I finished as she looked at me, "No nos vayamos por las ramas, ¿fue real el beso? (Let's not beat around the bush, was the kiss real?)"

"Yes."

"Did you mean it?"

"Yes."

"I liked it too." I looked down, "We just risk everything to even try. It's not ideal."

"So I'm not crazy." She whispered, "At least, on that."

"What else then?"

"Going back to that vigil." She rubbed her arms.

"To?"

"Tell my secret. No puedo llamar la atención. Los medios me destrozan sin usar mi nombre. La gente me hace pasar por un héroe y otros por una puta. (I can't take the attention. The media shredding me apart without using my name. People making me out to be a hero and others a whore.)"

I broke, putting an arm around her and watching her melt into me. The contact was blissful, I was craving more. To caress her, hold her... Kiss her. I wanted her more and more, to protect her.

"So this is bad too?"

"Only if we make it." I whispered into her hair as she squeezed me.

* * *

_**Rafael** _

_**Present-day** _

* * *

"So you two had a relationship during the trial?"

"Technically no. I was comforting her and there was only one kiss. Nothing else till after the sentencing."

"Nothing? After a kiss like that and how the defense and media spun it?"

"They wanted a bigger story, this is the truth. The photos of us at the vigil, nothing to see. All the stops at her apartment is just like the detectives." I defended as the director took note.

"If that was true, why did you lose the motion?"

"Risk of misconduct." I looked at the camera, "You are getting ahead of the story now."

"That's all. I had to ask." He motioned me to pick the story back up.

* * *

_**Rafael** _

_**April 24, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York** _

* * *

I held her as she cried, turning off the tv and keeping all media away. They didn't know her name, but they knew me and wouldn't mind exploiting me and her by accident. _**I can't hide in here forever. Maybe if she gave her name it would be easier? No, no that would open new problems, and we h**_ _ **ave enough right now.**_

"Bexley, I have you." my eyes drifted close to forget the scene of her squeezing me.

"I just feel safe with you. Me siento como yo a tu alrededor. (I feel like me around you.)" 

I nodded and thought about eventual repercussions that could take place. It wasn't deterring me completely, I liked the feeling as much as she seemed to be. That's when the moment snapped into reality, _**I am holding her. I am breaking every code of ethics and... Why do I want this? Why does this random girl takes up all my mind and time when I barel**_ _ **y know her?**_

"I do too." 

The room sat in silence, echoing loudly in the nothingness. Shortly after it filled with chanting and singing from outside. I got her to lay back, to fall asleep and kept the Tv off to keep from negative attention. I stopped at the doorway and watched her a moment longer. _**Am I willing to risk everything for this?**_


	7. Their side

* * *

_**Bexley** _

_**April 26, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York** _

* * *

Everywhere I turned, every TV I could see... It was a about me. My case was the leading headline and everyone was talking about it. The girl raped in a bodega. Guys cheering on the men who bruise and used me like a sex toy. Hearing the chat was bad enough.

> _"The Manhattan Jane Doe case is starting today. The world is buzzing and waiting to find out who 'Jane Doe' really is."_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _"Today the trial of the Rape in a bodega will begin."_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _"The shocking and disturbing rape of a women in a bodega where people cheered it on will finally be in court."_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _"This Jane Doe rape case is heading to court today with a final jury selected."_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _"All twelve men involved in the rape are taking the stand against the two men accused but not willing to plea bargain. Their defense attorneys claim it was all consensual and no rape took place."_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _"What do you think about this Jane Doe case?"_
> 
> _"I think she was asking for it."_
> 
> _"Why was she in a bodega alone?"_

I was shaking and almost in tears, barely leaving my home. The media was asking people on the street for opinions. Every Man, Woman, and attention seeker was on Tv talking about it. The only thing worse was the viewers gossiping, the ones you couldn't help but hear by accident.

> " _I heard she had on a skimpy dress and climbed on the counter."_
> 
> _"No, she kissed the guy and started pulling off his clothes."_
> 
> _"Isn't that like a girls fantasy? A gangbang like that? Just pleasure, no worries?"_
> 
> _"I heard she has three boyfriends. The girl is a slut."_
> 
> " _Boyfriends? No, girlfriends and many more clients."_

It was impossible to dodge the chatter, I just wanted to hide in a hole. I have settled for not leaving my home and talking to the detectives that called to update me and my occasional family call. It made me feel worse when they tried to distract me, you could see right through their attempts to hide it.

"Bexley?" I turned to Benson as she smiles softly, "We need you available for trial. Mr. Barba has offered his office or a guarded meeting room in the courthouse."

"Ok." I nodded, "I just wait to be called?"

"Yes."

"How many days?"

"It depends on testimony and cross-examinations." She regained my attention, "Are you feeling unsure about testifying?"

"No, god no." I shivered at the thought of these guys getting off, "They all deserve jail... Two trials can work if need be."

"Mr. Barba said he was starting with the accomplice. If we get the video we can put the rapist away without you."

"Thank you." 

She motioned to my room, "We should leave in about thirty minutes. If you want to get ready I will drive you over."

I went to shower and change, looking through my clothes. My fingers traced over a few dresses, but the thought of any dress hurt my soul. Moving on, I pulled a blazer and some dress pants. _**It could be worse... Ok, I need something to make me feel safe and still look nice. Maybe the blazer is too much.**_ I put it back and looked at the shirts. Half of them felt too revealing and the other half inappropriate for court. I pulled a sweater with open shoulders, rubbing the collar lightly.

"I... It should work." 

Slipping into the shirt, I looked in the mirror. **_Shoulders open, not bad... Sleeves can cover my fingers almost, makes me feel safer. Easier to distract myself._**

"Bexley, Are you almost ready?" I opened the doors as Benson looked me over, "That looks beautiful."

"Not too revealing?" I shifted, "I feel exposed."

"May I help?" She motioned in and I nodded.

She skimmed through, noticing my wince and passing dresses. After a moment, she pulled a blazer but could tell it was heavy and sat it back. She did pull a jacket for me and smiled faintly.

"This might help. It's small but, at least makes you feel better till you're in court." She handed it to me, "If you don't take the stand, we can see about helping you find something better. Something you'll feel comfortable in."

"Thank you." I slipped on the jacket and walked out with her. 

The drive to the courthouse was quiet then chaos right before we arrived. A protest filled the area as others yelled back at them. The cameras filled the front of the building, recording everything as news reporters spouted off on the chaos growing. She parked us off to the side, walking us along the walk away from cameras as people came and went from the front doors. Half up the steps was my first trial defendant, taking every chance to spew hate to the media and make him seem like a victim.

"Bexley." Raf walked to us as I jumped softly at the small lapse in my attention span, "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."

"Está bien, solo ... no quiero estar cerca de ellos. (It's fine, I just... I don't want to be near them.)" I stressed the word them and head jerked towards the media.

"Let's go inside." He motioned us in, "I have an officer guarding you in a meeting room. El guardia será el oficial Carisi. No estará en el estrado, por lo que te observará al menos la mayor parte del día. (watch will be officer Carisi. He won't be on the stand so he'll watch you for most of the day at least.)"

"Ok."

He rushed me through the metal detector and around to the elevator. Every floor dinged softly in the small room moving up, and with each one my heart sank. The reality of being in the courtroom was hitting me quicker than an anvil from a looney tunes cartoon, and man was I seeing stars and wanting to ask my mom to keep me home from school. They exchange a worried look with no words, something I wish I didn't see... It was just another anvil slamming me down. Too many more and I would be walking around like an accordion.

"Bexley, I can't promise you'll be done today. It could be a few days before you get on the stand." He looked to me, "After you testify, you can sit in the courtroom."

"I think I can do it." 

"Think?" He paused as the doors opened and Benson stepped off to get officer Carisi.

"I..." I stopped and looked down.

"This way." He moved me to the room and pulled a chair out for me. 

Looking across the way, he sat down his briefcase and got a coffee from the connected room before locking that door. He took the seat opposite of me, sliding one over to me as he sipped his own.

"Two sugar, one cream... Sorry, it's not the best brew but..."

"It' do." I nodded and sniffed the darken water I would soon know it as.

"Bexley, we are taking the voyeur to court first in the hopes that we can retrieve the video and spare you the second trial. Todavía te mantendría de guardia por si acaso, pero eliminaría ese recuento. Le ayudaría a avanzar en el procesamiento de todo. (I would still keep you on call just in case but it would remove that retelling. It would help to move you through on processing everything.)"

"Ok." I nodded.

"Can you do this? Necesito saber ahora si no puedes subir al estrado. (I need to know now if you can't take the stand.)"

"I can... I have to." 

He covered my hand, "I will be there for you, even on cross. I will protect you in any way I can."

"I know..." My voice was still shakey.

"Me tienes en tu rincón, listo para noquearlos ... A pesar de mis pobres habilidades de lucha. (You have me in your corner, ready to knock them out... Despite my poor fighting skills.)" He smirked, "I will protect you with every bit of power I can."

I nodded and looked at his hand, "and I thank you... No podría haber hecho nada de esto sin ti. (I couldn't have done any of this without you.)"

The door opened and he pulled his hand away as Benson and Carisi walked in. They explained Carisi would be outside unless I wanted him inside, so I agreed. They all stepped outside and continued speaking, I only heard small bits of the conversation and it sounded more one-sided to Benson than anyone else... As it left my earshot, I heard Carisi talking to a different girl. The voice was familiar but I couldn't figure out from where.

> " _How is Jesse?"_
> 
> _"Good. She loves the toy you got her."_
> 
> _"Well, I was thinking about dinner? Maybe I can hit the store and stop by to cook. She needs home-cooked food sometimes."_
> 
> _"Maybe tomorrow Sonny, I'm a lite busy tonight."_

_**Poor guy, I know that feeling... One-sided relationships.**_ I looked to the door and sighed, thinking about asking him in and talking to pass the time. It took several minutes before I got up and walked to the wooden roadblock between me and people, which I did appreciate before I realized that these twenty minutes alone felt like hours. One small knock and the door opened to the tall blonde.

"Detective Carisi, Could you sit with me?"

He stepped in and locked the door before sitting down with me. I was fidgeting and trying to calm my racing heart to keep my body safe and not rushing back into the hospital. Carisi was the first man near me besides Raf since the attack. He seemed very nice and sympathetic, it did put me at ease.

"Detective Carisi..."

"You can call me Sonny. Or Carisi... Whatever is more comfortable."

"Sonny, I heard part of your chat before... Outside the door."

"Yeah, that was nothing." He brushed it off, "Detective Rollins and her daughter like my cooking."

_**Detective Rollins? The blonde one, Amanda was it?** _

"You like her don't you?"

He looked down, "Yeah."

"Have you ever asked her out?"

"We work together." He dismissed it, "Not to pry, but, you and Barba?"

I looked down as he looked up. _**Did I really want to say this out loud? Should I?**_ My hand was shaking softly under the table, brushing the knuckle and looking up with just enough courage to find words.

"I do like him." I admitted and felt my chest lose the pressure it was holding, "He is really nice, very helpful... I fell safe with him around."

"Had you...?" He stopped, "Nevermind."

"He spent the night on my couch a time or two... I tried a few therapists and they made me feel worse at the end of the session."

"What do you think happens when the trial is over?"

"I don't know." I answered truthfully, "I guess look for a good therapist."

He forced a smile, that small tinge of worry evident on his face. I imagine everyone is worried about me right now. All the detectives look depressed seeing me, Rafael looks worried when he doesn't think I see him... I've tried to limit talk with my family because they just want to sit with me and make me talk about it.

"There it is." I whispered.

"I'm sorry?"

"That look... Everyone who knows give me that look." I took a deep breath, "This feels like hell just being here. Ni siquiera he entrado en la sala del tribunal todavía. (I haven't even stepped into the courtroom yet.)"

"It won't get easier till you face them. I know you haven't made it in the courtroom yet, but till you stare them down in court it won't let you heal."

* * *

**_Rafael_**

_**April 26, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York**_

* * *

I sat at the prosecution table, waiting for the judge to come out. To my left was Mika Hayes, the redhead in a perfect pantsuit. She was proving to be a worthy opponent before the trial truly started, her motions and defense was a challenge I had to face. Beside ger was the sleazy IT geek that videotaped the rape and looked like a blubbering mess when questioned after being identified in the lineup. _**Vincent Hoberts, technological specialist to several prep schools. They dropped him quickly when he was picked up and refuse to acknowledge him.**_ I heard the bailiff announce the judge and everyone stood as she came out. Elizabeth Reagen, an honorable judge known for being light on crime.

"Let's start with opening arguments." She motioned and I took the floor first.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Vincent Hoberts is on trial for accessory to rape. He stood in a bodega and watched as five men carried the victim to a counter and raped her. Cheered as she begged for her life and cried out for help. I'm sure Ms. Hayes will tell you how he helps his community, has no record, and wasn't there at the time of this crime. He is a fine human being, I'm sure he is, but this isn't a small mistake. He watched a woman being raped for two hours, two hours, and did nothing." 

I watched the jury as they looked at him, studying him like the monster he is. Ms.Hayes gave a riveting speech when she had the stage for opening arguments. It was clearly going to be a tough fight in court and it became more clear with each witness. I call Benson to the stand, she piles on the evidence... Then Hayes tore into her and most my objections were useless.

"Twenty-minute recess." Reagen slammed the gavel as everyone left the room.

"Barba." Liv walked over to me as I stepped out to the hallway.

"Yes?"

"What was that in there? Suele tener más pelea. (You usually have more fight.)"

"It's judge Reagen, Ella es conocida por el beneficio de la duda para los criminales. (She is notorious for the benefit of the doubt to criminals.)" I stopped and glanced at her, "My objections are about as good as that video he is hiding in his hands. Worthless. Out side our grasps and worthless."

"How do we fix this?"

"Better evidence. Dime que tienes todo preparado. (Tell me you have everything prepped.)"

"All the others will testify. They know the terms of their deals."

"And they are all convicted criminals. Jury will see it as less than ideal." 

"The video from the surveillance camera?"

"Only shows them stopping her at the door. Blurry... Hobert isn't on it. Except to walk in the door before and out after."

"You had enough to charge him, grand jury was unanimous in the choice to indict."

"And judge Reagen will not care. She can overturn the verdict if she doesn't buy in with the jury."

"Rafael," Liv stopped me at the second before reaching for the door, "This case is more solid than most you take. Is this concern for the case or for Bexley?"

I glared at her, "Stop questioning my judgment."

Pushing the door open, I saw Bexley sipping tea and playing tic tac toe with Carisi. She looked fine, a little reassurance before I put her out there in court. They turned to me and she forced a soft smile.

"How can I help?"

 _ **Bump her up, put her on the stand now.**_ A thud in my chest clouded common sense as she looked at me with a shade of worry. She needed to get up there and I was trying to stop it. Trying to protect her from that pain... I needed to step back and think about the case.

"Bexley, can we talk alone a moment?"

Liv nodded for Carisi to step out, leaving us alone for a fleeting moment. She looked at me, a spark of worry showed on her face more than before.

"Raf?"

"I need to bump you up. The jury isn't looking convinced... Tal vez tu emoción pueda atraerlas más. (Maybe your emotion can draw them in more.)"

She looked sick to her stomach. _ **I can make this work. The judge allowed her to go at the end after they testify to give her space around media. It was a hard ruling to get, I shouldn't let it go so easily.**_ She shivered but nodded and I covered her hand carefully.

"If you are good to. Si necesita más tiempo, lo solucionaré. (If you need the extra time, I will work around it.)"

"Am I damaging the case by not doing it?"

"No, never." I pulled her attention, "I promised, I'm keeping it. I am doing whatever is best for you."

"Please, I want to stay for last. May be able to skip it if you feel good about the conviction."

"Ok." I nodded, "Ok. I'll keep you as last."

* * *

**_Rafael_ **

**_Present_ **

* * *

"What was going through your head right then? Why didn't you move her up?"

"Because she wasn't able to do it. She would break, I couldn't let her fall apart." I looked to the camera, "Most people watch court tv or documentaries after the fact, they don't feel the pain of testifying again or having your name splashed all over the media. If I could spare her, I should. Moving her up would remove that chance."

"Do you think that might have helped the case?"

"She did amazing when she did get up there. We won the case... It was a completely different matter when they won their retrial hearing."

"But I am getting ahead of the story again." He cleared his throat, "Ok, let's hear more of the testimony. I want to know what your thoughts were."

* * *

**_Rafael_ **

_**April 28, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York**_

* * *

I was back in court after two days of struggle, my plan to move Bexley up was out the window and all the evidence was out in the open. The jury was swinging back and forth. The rape was horrific, no one was arguing that right now... But to convince them that this man was an accomplice and recorded the attack. Without the video we have only heard of, we were losing this battle.

"Next witness." The judge motioned to the defense.

"The defense calls, Vincent Hoberts."

The man stood and took the stand, sitting tall and trying to sway the jury towards their side. He spoke clearly and firmly, the perfect type of witness. Every detail was set perfectly, he went to get a few groceries, was at the back of the store, no assaults all consensual... It was damning. He was very believable. _**And Bex has to follow him? She will get hit hard trying to make him sound like a liar... Why can't we have more?**_

"So the alleged victim was bending over and trying to get everyone's attention?"

"She dropped a soup can and pushed her skirt up as she bent down. Some of the guys watched and others tried to ignore it."

"What happened next?"

"One of the guys asked if she needed help. She responded by saying she wanted sex and she had this fantasy."

"What kind of fantasy?"

"Gangbang with strangers. A little rape play in it."

"What happened next?"

Hayes played the surveillance footage and had him explain in detail what they saw. The way she egged them on before stepping on camera and playing it up. At one point he pointed out she didn't squirm to attempt to escape at first, only after another joined. His version was ridiculous but that was my opinion based on the full scope.

"So she initiated the encounter?" 

"Yes."

"She begged for it?"

"Yes."

"And you did nothing but watch?"

"Yes, it felt wrong to join."

"Thank you, nothing more." Hayes say down.

I sipped the water and fixed my tie quickly before standing, "So the victim asked to be raped?"

"She described it as rape gangbang fantasy."

"Did she pick the guys she wanted?"

"No, it was open to anyone but..."

"But only five joined? Out of fourteen people, five took her on the offer?"

"It wasn't everyone's cup of tea."

"And this consensual gangbang was two hours long? You watched the full two hours?"

"She didn't mind the audience." 

I walked around the table and sat on the edge, "And you did nothing the whole time?"

"No."

"If this was all consensual and everyone was willing partaking, why didn't anyone leave the bodega for over two hours?"

"We wanted to watch."

I narrowed in, looking for a slip, "Why was the door locked then?"

"The store clerk was worried about losing his job."

"That's not what he said to this court."

"He lied."

"I had twelve people take the stand saying they committed this rape or watched. They allocated in court, taking prison time and admitting their fault." I looked at him as his firm posture shifted softly, "Why would they lie?"

"Objection." Hayes glared.

"Sustain." 

"Where were you when this started?"

"In the back by the coolers."

"And you moved closer once it started?"

"Only a little, I wasn't getting service to leave till the show was over anyway."

"How many men did she service?"

"Five or six."

"How many watched like you?"

"Nine including me."

"How many recorded it?"

"Objection."

"Overruled." 

I looked towards him, "How many recorded it?"

"Zero, unless you count the security camera by the door."

"You claimed it was open to anyone to join, correct?"

"Yes."

"But if she was opening it up to anyone, why lock the doors?"

"To stop people from interrupting the fun."

 _ **Did he just change his answer? I might have my loose string to pull.**_ I looked towards the jury and played it up.

"But, before you said it was because the clerk was scared of losing his job?"

"That too."

"I have a witness stating you were videoing the whole thing." 

"Objection! Where's the question?" Hayes looked to the judge.

"While in the store, you had a cellphone on you?" The judge motioned him to answer as Hayes sat down, "Mr. Hoberts?"

"Yes."

"What type of phone was it?"

"I'm sorry? What?"

"You look like a man with an interest in technology, what type of phone was it?"

"My iPhone." 

"Will the witness please show said phone to the court."

I looked over as he looked to the judge, after a moment he pulled out his white phone and held it up.

"Is that your personal phone?"

"Yes."

"Then what was this phone?" I clicked the tv on to the surveillance video and the view of the phone in his hands as he walked in.

"This phone?" He shrugged it off.

"Exhibit H." I handed the photo to the judge, defense, and Jury before turning to Hoberts again, "This is a close up of the phone you were carrying when you went to the store. Is this the same phone?"

"No."

"Where is this phone?"

"Objection!" Hayes stood up as the judge waved her off.

"Overruled, witness will answer."

"I don't know."

"Do you often carry different phones around?"

"N-No." He stumbled on the delivery.

"Then why did you have a different phone?"

"I dropped mine, broke it."

"The police never found this phone in your possession. What did you do with it?"

"I-i-i..." He stopped.

"You have a record for voyeurism, don't you Mr. Hoberts?"

"Yes, but it was all a set up."

"Peeping in the windows of your teenage neighbors. Walking into girls dressing rooms and trying to video woman in the bathroom..."

"I didn't do that." He stood up as I watched the officers move up and prepare to grab him.

"Sit down, Mr. Hoberts!"

"No, this is ridiculous. Those pigs are setting me up!"

"Take him out." Judge Reagen motioned for the bailiff, "Get the jury out of here."

I watched him struggle a moment but they did carry him out. **_I guess Bexley doesn't have to testify. That was pretty damning._** The recess was called and I walked away to Carisi and Bexley in the room at the end of the hall. Liv followed me over as the door opened and Bexley stood with Carisi.

"Oh? Am I up?"

"She just needed..." Carisi stopped when I smiled at Bex.

"You don't have to testify. Hoberts made a scene, Hayes can't fix that."

"Oh..." She looked slightly sad, "I really need to go."

She went towards the restroom and Liv followed her in as I looked at Carisi, "What was that?"

"She must've really had to go?" He shrugged, "So she doesn't have to testify."

"She didn't look happy with that news." I stepped in the room and sat the briefcase down.

"Or she was distracted. Just give her a few minutes."

* * *

_**Bexley** _

_**April 28, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York**_

* * *

I rushed to the restroom, the need to pee was gone replaced by this feeling I couldn't explain. Deep inside, I wanted to testify at least for one trial. A witness statement was an option but, it wasn't what I expected. It didn't seem the same. Even if the defense tore me apart on cross, I still knew I did it... _**Then why was I worried before?**_

"Bexley?"

"Olivia?" I cleared my throat and pushed off the sink I was leaning over.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah... Yeah, fine." 

I looked in the mirror and barely recognized the girl looking back at me. It hurt, seeing myself looking perfectly fine when I was broken all through my inside. 

"You don't seem it." She walked over, "Did you want to testify?"

"If he doesn't need me then..."

"He will still use you if you need it. He is going to help you with it."

I gripped the cold marble counter, feeling the shakes. My mind was overwritten with dozens of thoughts I couldn't come close to understanding or controlling. Completely lost to the world around me, I missed Olivia walking over and rubbing my shoulders.

"Bexley, just breathe."

 _ **Just breathe? Am I... Am I not?**_ I realize that I had went right into a panic attack. My breathing was rapid and shallow, I was struggling to even attempt it. _**Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Come on, calm down.**_ I couldn't control it, just dropped down against the wood of the counter. Small scrapping to the back brought pain but was oddly calming overall. Olivia ran out and a minute later Raf walked in. 

"Bexley, look at me." He reached out and cupped my face, "I need you to calm down."

My body shook, pulsing to just run as the rest leaned in towards him. He put his arms around me and pulled me out and up. I couldn't hear his words but knew he was speaking but not to me. He ushered me out and to a side room to calm me down better. Olivia and Sonny chat outside before stepping in to check on me.

"Bexley, what happened to you there?"

"I... I think I want to testify."

He looked at me confused, pausing and stopping. I pulled back as he tried to figure it out.

"You want to testify?"


	8. My moment

* * *

**_Bexley_ **

_**April 29, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York** _

* * *

"Bex?"

I stirred awake to see Raf standing at my bedroom doorway. After breaking down over their testimony last night, he came home with me. The perfect guy really, he made me go to bed and slept on the couch but this time I didn't go to him. I managed sleep knowing he was there... If only I had the words to describe it and my body would allow it.

"Raffffaelll?" My words stretched with my yawn.

"We need to get ready. Haré que Carmen nos lleve el desayuno al juzgado y tú podrás comer antes de que comencemos. (I will have Carmen get us breakfast at the courthouse and you can eat before we start.)"

"No... La comida me daría náuseas. (Food would make me nauseous.)"

"And your stomach growling on the stand will distract from your testimony." He stepped back, "I'll let you get ready."

"Ok... Have Sonny bring something small then."

"Sonny?"

"Officer Carisi." I stood up and walked to my bathroom as he shut the bedroom door.

"I'll make a call." He called back.

I turned the shower on, hot water pouring down with steam rolling out. It was sweet, that feeling of being clean... That feeling I loss when this all happened. Not even the burning water can make it come back. I scrub my skin raw, flushing bright red like the saunas use to do to me when I and the girls went to the gym. It was comforting but still brought back bad memories in flashes as I scrubbed more. 

"Bex? ¿Estas bien? (Are you ok?)"

I paused as I saw the steam filling the room. _**How long have I been in here? It couldn't have been...**_

"It's been twenty minutes? Bex, di algo. (Bex, say something.)"

"I... I'm coming out." 

I stepped out and wrapped up in a towel, hair tucked under another before opening the door and shutting the one to my room for privacy. I looked at the full-length mirror a moment to see the red skin and know my mistake. _**I can't walk out there like this. My skin is red, like blistering red... Why am I like this?**_ I cupped my cheek and slowly pulled away. _**It's... It'll fade before court.**_ I pulled on a pair of dress pants, and found a nice outfit for court, pulling my hair back and stepping out as Rafael was fixing his tie. He brought his spare suit over as he called it, figuring it would be best to get dressed here. 

"You.. Why are you so red?" He stopped, "How hot was your water?"

"Lo siento... (Sorry...)"

He stopped when he saw the tremble, reaching out slowly for me to see as he held my shoulder, "No se preocupe por eso. No te disculpes ... No es necesario. (Don't worry about it. Don't apologize... No need to.)"

I blinked softly and leaned in to hug him before the door gave sound to the knocks of detective Carisi. He pulled back and got the door for me so I could pull on shoes. The tall detective walked in, sitting down two coffees and a brown paper bag.

"Good morning."

"Morning Sonny." 

"Thank you." Raf lifted a cup, "Did you remember...?"

"Cuban straight. Yes. Bexley I got you two shots of sugar and a single Irish cream creamer cup." He glanced at the older man, "Two bagels. One muffin banana nut." 

"That will do. Just enough to make sure she isn't hungry." Raf nodded to the bag, "Have your pick."

Sonny looked at me, he noticed my skin too and stopped. No words came, it made me wonder if a lot of victims did this. Rip their skin off till they are raw and near bleeding. He only smiled faintly and started talking to Rafael as I sipped my cup and bit the muffin. We started to court, sitting in the back of the car staring out the window again. Same route, same roads, same traffic... So why was my body feeling different. _**You are stressing about court. You know it. Being on the stand in front of all those people... Telling your story clearly... I can't do this.**_

My lip quivered at the thought only to be broken by the voices ahead, "Bexley, do you remember the prep for court? All the questions I will ask?"

"Yes, Rafael." 

"And the most likely questions from the defense? ¿Recuerdas la preparación cruzada? (You remember the cross prep?)"

"Yeah." 

He glanced back in the mirror, "¿Estas bien? (Are you ok?)"

"Yeah." I closed my eyes and felt the hum of the car and every bump in the road.

As the car stopped, Raf helped me out and nodded for Sonny to take a moment. He walked me in slowly and stopped at the top of the steps.

"Are you ok? ¿Realmente ok? (Like really ok?)"

"The nerves are kicking in." I sighed, "Necesito hacer esto, pero cada vez es más difícil. (I need to do this but it is becoming harder to do so.)"

"We can switch to a victim impact statement. No cross, just swaying the court for a stronger sentence."

"It won't be the same." I shivered, "Necesito hacer esto. (I need to do this.)"

"Stop thinking about it." He walked me in the door, "Just, deja de pensar en eso. No debería estar diciendo esto, pero sí. (stop thinking about it. I shouldn't be saying this but, yeah.)"

Sonny came up behind us, walking us to the meeting room and staying with me. Raf went to court and I sat in silence with Sonny. It was uncomfortable but if I spoke, my whole body would start fighting again and fear would win out. He picked up on it, so I closed my eyes and prayed he let it go.

"Bexley, have you ever testified before?"

"No... It's causing me to be a bit... Prickly." I rubbed my arm, "I don't know if I can do this."

"You wouldn't want anyone to be in your place?" He caught my attention, "You are doing this to heal because you know you need to. We offered and made it possible to skip it, you knew you needed to do this."

"Doesn't make it easier." 

"I know I'm not Barba, I can't calm you down as well..." Sonny patted my hand softly and I didn't pull away even when my body demanded me to, "... But I do know you can do this. You picked out each and everyone in that store when you were attacked. You sat in on each hearing and gave a victim impact statement to each person, each one that hurt you. You are strong enough to take on the last two in court."

"But all that before, it wasn't up for cross with an attorney trying to make me out to be a slut in front of a jury."

* * *

_**Bexley** _

_**Present** _

* * *

I rubbed my hands lightly as my retelling was stopped. The director was asking more questions and resetting a few things and getting fresh minds by giving a small break. I would be answering questions in a few minutes.

"How you doin?" Raf squatted down in front of me.

"Hanging in there. You know."

"Need some air?" He offered a hand and slipped my jacket on my arms, "Let's get a little air."

We stepped out of the building, an old duplex apartment that was being remodel. We got one foot out and everything slipped off my shoulders. He smiled at me as the crisp November air filled my lungs.

"That's better." He held a small coffee in his hand.

"Yeah, this really is helping." I leaned against the rickety railing, "Why do they have to film in creepy old places?"

"Set the mood. Hides your location and gives that off feeling you expect from talking about crimes." He stopped as he realized it was a rhetorical question but it was so cute and distracting I had to keep it going.

"I didn't say stop." 

smirked deeper and nudge my shin with his nice shoes, "It's not important. Hará que tu historia sea más convincente. (It will make your story more compelling.)"

"As if the story isn't already?" I looked over and smiled as he offered a snack he wrapped in a napkin to put in his pocket for the way out, "Pocket food?"

"I thought you would want a snack." He shrugged.

"Oh, I thought you were stealing production food." I teased with a raised brow and a upward turned lip.

He handed it to me and glanced around, "No se lo digas a nadie. (Don't tell anyone.)"

"Secret is safe with me." I looked at the napkin, "Y me diste pruebas para cuando te entregué como consejero. (And you gave me evidence for when I turn you in counsilor.)"

He rolled his eyes but I did unwrap the donut holes that was filled with chocolate cream. I popped one in and let the flavor slowly take over for me to savor. He winked at me, holding out a clean napkin and I shook my head till the second bite dripped down my face. The laugh was silent but visible, I let it slide because it was cute to see him trying. Well, nice to see him trying not to laugh at me. 

I stood back up straight and took one last strong deep breath before going back in with Raf getting the door. He guided me back to the chair as I wiped my face of crumbs from the donut he snuck out. The makeup girl ran in to touch up my face a little since I wiped it and the director nodded. We were back to filming as he started with the first question.

"You didn't have to testify, there was plenty to convict him without it. So why did you?"

"Closure. I wanted to know he looked me in the eye and heard me state I didn't want it. I wanted him to see me as a human he help to break." 

"When you were preparing for the stand, what part was the hardest to address?"

"The attack. That was the reason I was there and I knew Raf would be kind but the defense would drag me through the mud the minute I took that seat."

"But you still did it?"

"I had to." I looked right to the camera, "I needed to take control. I couldn't let them ruin my life and not fight for myself... I had few in my corner. Very few knew what I was going through."

"What were you feeling when you walked into the court?"

"Fear... Fear and empowerment."

* * *

**_Bexley_ **

_**April 29, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York**_

* * *

I was in the room with Sonny talking, easy-going. He tried so hard to distract me that I felt I had to fake it... I wanted him to think it was working. Luckily the guard came up and nodded for me to go, Sonny followed me out and to the door. He patted my back and opened the door for me to walk in. It was dead silent, not even crickets chirping at me. My sudden realization that I was now elbows deep in horror... It would submerge me when I get to the stand. Sonny nodded for me to go and took his seat as I made it up to the small gate and walking by Rafael. _**Why didn't I listen? Why an I here? Why did I not run away when he said I could skip testifying.**_ My feet carried me up even though my mind begged them not to. I felt the wood railing of the box as I stepped in and sat down. _**What did you do girl?**_

"Please state your name for the record."

"Bexley Donavon."

"Raise your hand and repeat after me." The bailiff held out a bible and I did as told, "Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you?"

"I do solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me god."

The judge nodded to begin, my stomach turned and I was drowning in the horror of everything coming back. My hand shook softly forcing my other to hold it still. I stayed quiet as Raf stood and approached.

"Ms. Donavon, may I call you Bexley?"

"Please." I nod.

"Bexley, thank you for being here today. I know this can't be easy." He looked to the jury, "Would you please tell us about the events of April 6th?"

"I had went out with friends for some shopping and lunch. They were moving on to a club and I insisted on going home to prep for my niece and nephew's stay that weekend."

"So you went home?"

"My friend was gonna walk me home but since I wouldn't go back out, I walked her home before deciding to grab some water at a bodega first before going home. My building was having water issues and my building manager warned us it may be down a day or two and we should boil for a day or two after."

He glanced around, making sure everyone was watching me. They saw me on the verge of breakdown and couldn't see it yet. _**No break downs, no break downs. Breathe.**_

"Which bodega did you go to?"

"This corner shop a block from my building. I use it for small quick groceries."

"So you've been in there before?"

"A time or two. Maybe once or twice a month."

"What happened once you were there?"

"I bought a bottle of water and looked through some of the small groceries, grabbed a few. Not a lot, my arms were a little tired from the clothes I had been carrying all day." I cleared my throat softly.

Raf must've seen this, he got a softer voice like when he was calming me and not coaching me. It was careful and easy, I needed it this way right now.

"Bexley, please continue."

"I made it to the counter and paid, trying to rush as it was getting dark. I noticed street lights lighting up and a small piece of panic hit me." I looked up, "After paying I went to the door and was stopped short by a hand grabbing my arm. Lightly at first but getting tighter as I tugged for the door."

"I'm sorry, but you must continue." He watched me as my eyes almost glazed over.

I felt my emotions cutting off and heart thumping loudly. My hand got a fierce tremor, one hard to stop and still so I kept it out of sight and hoped my arm wouldn't show it as much.

"A man tried to talk to me, almost flirting and I shut him down immediately. I couldn't get my arm free from him and another man stepped between me and the door. He told me I looked stressed and they wanted to help me... I told them no but other men came closer. One tried to remove the bags from my arms, I pulled them back but a man pulled me towards him and I dropped the bags to try to push away from him. I had five guys surrounding me, I tried to get my bags back demanding them only for one to step up against me amd call me a bitch." My arm jerked a little and I held it firm against me, "I stepped back from him and into another man. I yelled I wanted to leave and was struggling not to cry. Another man reached out and trace the neckline of my dress..."

"This dress?" Raf held up a photo of me in the dress from before and my body tried to react only succeeding in a tiny jerk.

"Yes." I blinked back the feeling of tears as he turned the photo towards the jury, "I jumped back from him, further into the man behind me and began to struggle as they all grabbed me and moved me back towards the coffee counter."

"I know this is hard, but please..." Raf got my attention to focus on him, "... continue."

"They forced me down on the counter and held me down. I tried to scream out for help but the others in the store all watched on. Eventually one shoved cheap napkins in my mouth and I couldn't speak or scream anymore. They held me down against the counter and ripped my dress apart..."

I heard the click of the tv to my side turning on. Raf had a slideshow of my injuries and was starting to click through them. _**Look ahead, don't pay attention to them. We practiced this, you can't look at them. Close your eyes or look at him, but not the jury. Their looks will be just as bad as the photos...**_ I forced my voice to steady as the clicks slowly went by.

"I struggled but one man was holding each of my limbs. When I was trying to move, the man trying to penetrate me held me down by my neck and choked me for a moment to make me stop. I started crying and the men watching cheered." I closed my eyes tight as memories flashed back, "If I pulled away, I was slapped. If I struggled more, they were more violent. They took turns in me vaginally and orally. My body went numb and I lost all my fight... They held my eyelids wide open and forced me to watch them take turns while the crowd watched and cheered."

I felt the cool air on my back and a shiver came over me, my body shaking softly and getting worse as I fought to keep strong. In my head I was screaming for help... The memories taking over and everyone watching me.

"They flipped me over and raped me more as I screamed for them to stop the best I could. They smashed my head on the counter and smacked me around more."

A few small clicks before my body gave a shake and I was struggling due to the memories feeling more life like now. I squeezed my eyes tight like I couldn't do then and lost all air as my head spun in pain... Then a set of hands on me caused me to jump and cry out to stop.

"Bexley!" Raf's voice came through, "Bexley, breathe. Calm down now."

"I need a squad."

"No." His hands touched me softly and it was different then before.

"Recess now. Take the jury out."

My eyes flickered, I opened them to Raf talking me down from the frightening form I had displayed. I was having an episode, my PTSD from the rape pushing through worse than ever. The room was cleared out and the tv off again... I felt a mild pain as my body grounded itself due to Raf.

"Rafael..."

"Right here." He smiled softly at me.

"I'm sorry I failed."

"No, Bexley... You didn't. You told your story." He retrieved the water pitcher and an empty cup, "Never be sorry for that."

I blinked back tears and took the cup, sipping the warm water and finding more grounding.

"I made a scene and..."

"And you have PTSD. I should've tried to convince you not to."

"You would've lost." I whispered.

The judge nodded the guards away, and Raf helped me off the stand. I have a feeling that I wouldn't be back on the stand. No judge would let me after that scene. Sonny was at the door and the squad was trying to lead me down the steps away from cameras snapping, a car already pulled up for me as they held off the press. My mind numbing out still ad Raf got in with me and Sonny took over driving the car away.

* * *

**_Rafael_ **

_**April 29, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York**_

* * *

Even with a back exit and extra cops trying to keep the press away, they swarmed the car. Bex would be all over the news and front page in the morning. She was holding together right now, not a mess in a tight ball crying uncontrollably. It was a small win, she was mostly ok and would be better away from the world for the night. The judge put in a recess till tomorrow so everything can calm down then I will get a lecture and we would proceed. 

"Am I ok?"

I looked at the woman beside me. Hair pulled back loosely, eyes shining from the tears drying out. It was almost heaven if an angel was crying.

"Are you? Te derrumbaste en el estrado. (You broke down on the stand.)" I sighed, "I shouldn't have let you go up there."

"I needed to."

She shivered lightly and I tossed my jacket around her, "You weren't ready. No creo que el juez los deje enfadar contigo. Fue un colapso importante, estaban llamando a un escuadrón. (I don't believe the judge will let them cross on you. It was a major breakdown, they were calling a squad.)"

"But if they don't cross..."

"The judge will call me in tomorrow, discuss how this will get handled. It can mistrial or they will move on without you taking the stand again."

"What about me..."

"You won't be on the stand again. No judge would risk your mental health and put you up there... Probablemente recibiré una dura charla por ponerte allí. (I will probably get a stern talk for putting you up there.)"

Carisi stopped at her building and made sure the squad cars were sitting on it. I got her out and up to her apartment, leaving them to handle things downstairs as I handle the bigger issues... Bex and how to keep this case from mistrial. She walked to her bathroom, disappearing as my mind went into overdrive. _**How can we help her? This would be a mistrial easy. They can't cross-examine her, her mental state rules that out. No one would put her back on the stand.**_ I sat down at her small kitchen table, toying with some dishes sitting to the side. _**I should've stopped her, she wasn't ready. She was good with me but shakey with Rollins on a few questions. She faltered with Liv watching... I should've known better.**_

"Raf?" She poked her head around to see me from her bedroom.

"Hmmm?"

"I'm sorry I messed up."

"You didn't mess up." I closed my eyes, "You have the right to speak out, I should've prepped you better."

"I don't think it would help." She stepped out in her nightgown, "I can't tell my story without my body winning out. It wants to react and make me shake and blank out as the scenes play through in my head."

"Most cases, we would need victims. Yours, we had so much evidence... But I won't hold back your need to heal. Telling your side helps, they always say after the pain of going through it."

"Will you be staying?" She looked me over and I texted Carisi to move on.

I can call a car to get home, it didn't matter how late it was. My priority was calming her back down... Even if it meant staying the night. Her couch was rather comfy, I know that well over the past few times sleeping on it. _**Just get the case over and ask her out.**_ He smiled softly and nodded.

"If you want me to." 

She started making tea and pulled down two mugs, "A little late for coffee, hope you don't mind tea."

"It will do." I watched her move about the kitchen.

The small box she called a kitchen fit maybe two people if you didn't mind losing all personal space. Before she would be more animated and relaxed but with the trauma of today, she was still in spot but shaking inside. She watched the kettle on the stove like it was an interesting show on tv... Staring it down with mostly silence. 

"Rafael?"

"Yes?" 

"If this case ends... Do we?" She rubbed her arm but wouldn't look towards me, "I mean, will you still be around for me?"

"Siempre. (Always.)" I watched her soften from the stiffened posture she took during her thought and question.

"¿Lo que sucederá? (What will happen?)"

"Whatever we want. El caso está cerrado, podemos ser lo que queramos. (The case is closed, we can be whatever we want.)"

"And you can stay over more?"

"As much as you want." 

She turned back towards me, "Even if I... I mean I won't..."

"Incluso entonces. (Even then.)" I walked to the edge of the hardwood fake flooring of her tiny kitchen, "Don't worry about it right now. I'm not going anywhere."

She turned away from the pot and walked over to me, squeezing me tightly after a moment of barely touching me. When the hug started, I stayed loose till she tugged my arms up and tighter to her. She needed comfort, she needed something for warmth and safety... Somehow that was me. **I guess she got to tell her story, it will help her heal... And it's what she wanted.**


	9. One night

* * *

**_Rafael_ **

_**April 29, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York** _

* * *

It was about midnight when I caught Bexley sleeping on my lap. Her head rests nicely nestled and hooded eyes laid motionless with no nightmares on the horizon. I brushed her hair back and glanced to the tv I had silenced and put on subtitles, Bexley was front and center. 

> _The case of Manhatten Jane Doe who was raped in a bodega has been named. In court today, Bexley Donavon came forth and identified herself as the woman gang-raped as men cheered. The public has already started giving their own opinions._
> 
> _"She was asking for it. Only girl in a bodega wearing a short dress..."_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _"She didn't deserve this. No woman should have to fear being alone in this city because men are pigs."_
> 
> _"Men aren't just pigs, they're rapists. Let them bastards burn."_
> 
> _"Hang them up by their jewels and teach them to keep it to themselves."_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _"No one in their right mind goes out alone, man or woman. She should've had someone there."_

I turned the station and much like the dozen before, Bexley was the leading story. _**She took the stand and let the world know her identity... I knew this was coming. I just hope she does.**_ She shifted softly, not waking but getting a soft rise of her head before it went back to my lap.

> _"So this chick goes to a bodega full of men and get gets raped. Her words against theirs. They are falling like flies and going to prison and she doesn't say anything until today. She just wants attention."_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _"Maybe her dress was too short. Maybe they were too horny... Maybe out of a dozen guys in the damn store one would stop it if she was screaming bloody murder."_
> 
> _"Come on, like guys cheer for rape? It sounds like a lie."_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _"Those men are disgusting. They should be shipped out of country or hanged. No one, absolutely no one deserves to be raped."_

I turned the tv off, wanting to get the news out of my head. The soft whoosh of the fan above circulating air in the small apartment, it was rhythmic and not helping me find sleep. Worry overtook me, my mind trying everything it can to see a way through this. 

"Raffffff-ae-el." Her nose scrunched up as she shifted to look up, "Why you no sleep?"

"Not as tired as you." I smiled faintly, "You should go to bed."

"But your lap is comffffffy."

"Your pillow will be too." I shifted and helped her up, "If it makes you feel better, I'll go in with you."

She walked with me in, shifting out of her pants and pulling on pajama pants before waiting for me to sit down. I thought of my jacket and tie on the chair by the table with the vest on the floor having missed its spot. The belt was close by and my shoes with them... So I got her to sit down on the bed and I kicked off my pants to the side pausing halfway through.

"Is it ok if... Not to make you uncomfortable..."

"It ok." She yawned as her heavy eyes flickered.

I tossed the pants to the side and laid down in the undershirt and my boxers, letting her curl up to me and rest her head on my chest. She was out like a light so I pulled the blanket up over her and stared at the ceiling. Time ticked by slowly as she rested peacefully.

"Night Bex."

* * *

**_Bexley_ **

_**April 30, 2013** _

_**Manhattan, New York**_

* * *

My eyes opened and I noticed a half-asleep Rafael dozing un and out beside me. I rested a hand over his chest and shifted to look up at him, wishing he would just wake up and hold be closer than the grip he already had. This contact gave me a soft buzz, the kind you get when you feel so comfortable you hate to move an inch. **_When the case is over, you can do anything with him._** I watched him a moment before the silence broke.

"You should be asleep."

"So should you." I sighed.

"I will when you will. Necesitas descansar ahora. (You need rest now.)" He shifted so softly I almost missed the millimeter he adjusted.

"It's hard to sleep when you spent so long doing nothing and sleeping." I pushed up an inch, "Raf... Tell me about yourself."

"We have been through this." He looked at me carefully, "We can't..."

"I want to talk. Solo habla. (Just talk.)" He propped his head up to look at me, "I don't know if I could handle more if I wanted it. Besar tampoco era una buena idea. (Kissing wasn't a good idea either.)"

"Ok." He nodded, "Let's just talk."

"Tell me about yourself." 

He took a deep breath and started with a short and slow answer, "I am an only child. My mamí has been in the school system her whole life, teacher and principal now. I never had a good relationship with my dad, he was abusive and an asshole to put it nicely." 

"I'm sorry." 

"Don't be, he wasn't well-liked. He still makes me angry just thinking of him." He looked to me, "I spent most my childhood with my abulieta, my mom didn't like me being around my dad a lot when he hit her."

"You must have a great relationship with her then." 

"I did. Prácticamente tuve dos mamás mientras crecía. Me empujaron hasta convertirme en lo que soy hoy. (I practically had two moms growing up. They pushed me till I became what I am today.)" He smiled, "Harvard scholarship to law school and a life way above the dump I came from. They only wanted for me to get a better life from what they struggled for me, and I try to take care of them too."

"That's nice." I looked at the alarm clock teasing us with only twelve twenty being read.

"What about you? Tengo un pequeño trasfondo reciente, cuál es el trasfondo real. (I got the small recent background, what's the real background.)" He stroked my back with firm fingers but an airy touch.

"Well, you met my sister and mom... Alice and Andrea." I closed my eyes and focused on the touch, "I have a niece and nephew... I haven't seen my dad in years, he moved away to California. Believe it or not, he was a hippie. It was odd but once my parents divorced, it became easier. Se mudó y encontró lo que realmente lo hacía feliz, a veces enviándome cartas. (He moved off and found what made him truly happy, sometimes mailing me letters.)"

"A hippie?"

"Longer wavey hair, a lot of whitewash jeans and tye-dye... Nightmares. He never made it out of the sixties." I blushed, "I loved it though. He was a great guy and did truly love us even though we lived with mom."

He chuckled softly as I laughed, "I sometimes wished I chose him, but part of me thinks the courts chose and not my parents. It was a comfortable life, don't get me wrong but, my mom made sure to raise us to be strong and independent."

"I guess we both overcame a lot." He watched me, "Just shows we are stronger than we look."

"Yeah, I guess." I nodded.

"You don't think so?" 

"I don't know... I don't feel like it." I sighed, "I fought back but..."

"Don't go there."

"I..."

"Don't. Don't do it. No es culpa tuya. No te lo pongas. (It isn't your fault. Do not put that on you.)"

"How can't I? Entré allí. I... (I went in there. I...)"

He covered my mouth, "You didn't do this to yourself. You didn't ask for it. You are the victim, you are not at blame."

I breathed in his scent, letting it fill my nostrils and calm my soul down to prepare for rest. He moved his hand away and I leaned my head to his chest for rest... If my head would still enough to do so. Unfortunately, my brain was entertaining an orchestra and Robin Williams for that good morning Vietnam movie. No sleep yet and Raf was barely keeping it awake.

"You can sleep, even if I can't." I whispered.

Suddenly the hand on my backs tracing loops and curls on my skin and nightdress froze. _**Did I say something wrong? Please don't leave, you are holding me together right now.**_ I felt my body stiffened and heart-pounding trying to break out... He watched me as my face was hidden and I fell apart at the thought I did wrong to him.

"Bex, I don't want to leave you to your mind. No me voy, solo relájate. (I'm not leaving, just relax.)"

"But..."

"You have me here. Trust me, I know it's ok." He cupped my cheek and turned my face up to him, "I will always protect you."

I leaned in to kiss him but stopped, remembering what we had discussed. _**Until this trial is over, we shouldn't do that... We shouldn't cuddle in my bed or even be here together right now. He shouldn't spend the night like this.**_ My mind shut down, thinking of all the wrong we have done here and how it could affect everything still. Then a hand brought my attention back to him.

"This is technically wrong, pero... Pero no es ilegal. Prometo que no arruinará nada. (but... But it isn't illegal. I promise it will not ruin anything.)"

I sat up and slipped out of the bed, "No puedo dormir Voy a ir a ver la tele. (I can't sleep. I'm gonna go watch tv.)"

"Not the best idea. Tu caso es el tema más importante de la televisión. (Your case is the biggest topic on tv.)" 

"Then I will dig through something for a show or movie. No puedo dormir con todo esto en mi cabeza. (I can't sleep with all this in my head.)"

I went to the tv and after a bit found a movie. He smiled and laughed softly in the doorway but did join me after a few. We watched the show without words, in silence, perfectly fine. I leaned on him, he had an arm over me... Soon enough we were both asleep on the couch. I only know this because I woke up about three and watched him a moment. **This is tragic, horrific even... But it gave me you. I don't know why this had to happen for us to meet, but I am glad it did.**

> _"Breaking news, Manhattan Jane Doe has been named by the courts."_

_**Late breaking news, everyone knows my name by now.**_ I turned the channel to some late-night product no-one ever buys unless they are sleep deprived, trying to use it as a distraction. 

> _"Don't wait, Buy now and we will throw in a second one absolutely free! This is a limited-time offer and once this commercial is off, so is the deal. Not one but two for only twenty-three ninety-nine."_

My eyes flickered, heart-thumping softly as I settled into the spot more. Rafael was sleeping beside me, so I laid against him. His arm laid over me, his eyes unmoved so it must be by habit now. It was comforting, helpful really. I yawned lightly and nestled into him carefully not to wake him. Last time I saw on the clock was four am... The alarm would wake me up within two hours. Strangely, it felt ok. _**The case is almost over. He will be here when I wake... Life is turning around.**_ A smile graced my face as the heavy lids won out, the sandman had finally came and put me to sleep.


End file.
